Joseph Benigno Looking to Inherit Kyle Kelly’s Empire
An Empire may rise and fall, but one thing will always remain the same: for every sith, there is an apprentice. Student body presidents past refer to this as the “Rule of Two.”
“I have had a successful career leading the Aggie Empire, but my time is drawing to a close,” said Emperor Kyle Kelly. “I have been grooming Darth Benigno for this role from a young age. Soon, his power will eclipse mine, and I shall become expendable. When he is ready to claim the mantle of Dark Lord as his own, he must do so by eliminating me.”
Joseph Benigno’s close ties to Emperor Kelly are not unknown to citizens of the Empire. Old souls of the campus may still remember the “Stand with Kyle, He’s Hostile” campaign of yesteryear and can see its faint reflection in the current “Go with Joe, Let the Dark Side Grow” campaign.
While Darth Benigno has been apprenticed to Emperor Kelly for a year now, some suspect he has been following the same path to the Dark Side forged by Emperor Kelly years ago. Not only were both members of the Dark Brotherhood of Christian Aggies, Darth Benigno has been Emperor Kelly’s Executive Vice President Emperor in much the same way that a young Emperor Kelly was apprenticed as Executive Vice President Emperor to former Student Body Emperor Reid Joseph.
However, Emperor Kelly has not been Darth Benigno’s only inspiration. The way of the Sith is as age-old as it is reliable. Darth Benigno follows the ancient and occult path blazed by numerous former student body emperors involved in the Order of the Fish Aides. This list includes Sith Lord greats like Mark Gold ‘09, Eric Beckham ‘10, Jacob Robinson ‘11, John Claybrook ‘13, and Reid Joseph ‘14.
Darth Benigno has set up a strong strategy, but it will be up to voters to decide if the fate of the Empire will be left to the Dark Side or the Light this election season.
-Honey Bear
Is the name ironic? Maybe. Maybe not. Honestly, he’s been called that for longer than anyone has known him. He’s a sociopath and we don’t like talking with him very much. So when the man says he’s called Honey Bear, we make damn sure to call him Honey Bear. He gets his articles turned in on time though, so we keep him around.