Dear Lonely Lighter,
So like, my ex-boyfriend is totally a tool. This past Valentine’s day, he was running late for our date, which was like weird. So I went over to his house to surprise him with the cookies I had made. Well like, the real surprise was on me when I walked in on him making out with this total THOT. I’m like totally heartbroken and embarrassed that I ever dated this jerk, but mostly I’m just really mad. I really want to like repay him for all the misery he caused me and like just do something to get over it. I just need like a good plan. How are you with revenge?
Hell Hath No Fury
Dear Woman Scorned,
Wow, from the way you talk about him, this guy sounds like a real winner—the kind of guy that has truck balls and and wears a flat-bill while he smokes a blunt with his side chick. First off, don’t beat yourself up over having dated a loser. *Insert encouraging quote about how if you have to get poked by a few thorns before you pick the rose* Now revenge, that’s an idea I can sink my teeth into. I may or may not have a few
experiences with ideas on this subject…
- The “I’m So Over You” Picture
Get dressed up, make sure your eyebrows are on fleek, go out with all of your prettiest friends, meet a really, really, hot guy, and take a picture with him that looks like you’re having the best time of your life. Then post that ish all over Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, maybe even print it out and tape it to his door. There’s nothing that feels quite like making him think you’re winning the break up.
- The “Accidental, but not Really” Text
Text him on a Friday or Saturday (because those are obviously date nights) saying something like “Hey! What’s the plan for tonight?” When he replies, or even if he hasn’t responded in about 20 minutes, tell him “Oh my gosh, I am so sorry, that was supposed to be for someone else! Have a nice life.” This lets him know you are cute and fun and have plans but mostly that you are so done talking to him forever.
- The “Let’s Grab Lunch” Not-Date
Since this guy is an egotistical jerk, he probably expects you to still be mourning the fact you are no longer with Mr. Most Amazing Man in the World.
- The Hook: Feed his ego and send a flirty text like “Hey you. I was wondering if we could get lunch sometime. I have some stuff I want to talk to you about ;)” Don’t forget the winky face. That is easily the most important step.
- The Line: When you meet up for lunch, flirt a little, touch his arm, bat your eyes, smile softly, until he asks what you came to say—remember, he thinks you want him to get back together with you.
- And the Sinker: You start asking him for advice in this “new relationship” that you’re about to be start with “Jeff.” “Like he sent me flowers this week. Isn’t that a little forward? Okay, I’m sorry, I’m rambling when I really came here for your opinion.”
- The “Awkward Run-in to Uninvited Third Wheel” Outing
So I hate to say it, but the cheater has probably moved on at this point. It’s okay, we can use this to your advantage. This plan requires a little pre-stalking. Follow him around for about a week to gather intel. If he ever leaves his phone unattended, this is your chance, steal it and see when and where he made plans with his new fling. Casually run into him and the girl on his date. Don’t be shy pull up a chair and dive into that story about how you had to help him apply cream to that unfortunately placed rash that one time. Turn to him, “Is that all cleared up now?” Pat his back and walk out.
- The “Is Now a Bad Time to Tell You That I Have Mono?” Phone Call
Now this one will only work if you were recently in a relationship, and compared to the week long “I’m late and it could be yours” prank, this one is beautiful in its simplicity. Extend his agony and go with the mono bit—the virus has to set up shop in your body for four to seven weeks before you show symptoms—don’t leave out that detail. For the next four to seven weeks he will just be waiting to wake up with a fever feeling miserable.
- The “Eggs-actly What You Needed” Plan
You know what is both delicious and high in cholesterol? Eggs. But hey, you’re trying to get revenge here, you have no time for cholesterol. What you do have time for is an elaborate prank. Go to his house with a ladder, some screws, ceiling hooks, rope and a bucket of eggs. Screw the hook in the ceiling right outside the door and hang the bucket of eggs from the hook. Tie the rope through a little hole in the side of the bucket bucket at one end and to the door handle at the other. The next morning when he walks out his door, he will have some unexpected eggs benedict for breakfast and a reeking mess to clean up.
- The “Get Him Really Drunk and Take Him to a Tattoo Parlor” Branding
Find some excuse to go out and get smashed. Use a flask to add extra shots to all of his drinks just to be sure he gets really, really drunk. Stay sober and offer to give him a ride home, but instead take him to a tattoo parlor and convince him to let you design a new tat for him. Now here comes the fun part: have the artist tattoo your name, phone number, or even caricature of yourself right onto the tramp stamp region. Take him home, tuck him in, and wait until one of his friends discovers his new tattoo.
- The “Carrie Underwood” Reenactment
Purchase a baseball bat and a sharp knife, maybe even a machete or an axe. Use your key to draw a lovely-sunset-over-the-mountains scene on the side of his pretty, little, souped-up four-wheel drive. Carve your name or a hate letter with the knife into his leather seats. Smash in his headlights with that Louisville Slugger. Use the machete or axe to slash every last tire. Run away before anyone sees. Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats.
- The “Maybe It’s Illegal, but He Totally Had It Coming for Him” First Degree Revenge
So this one is admittedly risky. Basically, what you’re going to do is murder him. First things first, get a good alibi and do not do anything online—people always track this stuff. Also, buy everything with cash and burn all receipts. Throw a huge party at your house. Invite him and his girlfriend whom you have recently become BFFs with, because that in and of itself is good revenge and takes suspicion off you, because who kills their ex when they like their ex’s new fling? Sneak Rohypnol into his drink. When he starts getting decently “tipsy,” send him and another one of his ex-girlfriends into the woods behind your house to collect firewood, make sure people see them walk off together. He needs to make it to the woods, but pass out while he’s out there, so that she will need to come back in to get help. This is when you sneak out into the woods. Be quick. Make sure the music is still loud inside so that’s all people will hear. Wear the hairnet you stole from the cafeteria and put on those gloves you bought from Goodwill—both will hopefully have other people’s DNA still on them to throw the cops off your scent. Take out the gun you bought from a thug in the ghetto and pull the trigger. Pour gasoline over his body and light it with a match from a matchbook you picked up at a restaurant where you never eat. Stay clandestine. That’s it, basically. If you want to stand over his burning body and laugh maniacally for a second, go for it. Just don’t take too long to return to the party—the alibi, remember?
Despite popular opinion, revenge is not a dish best served served cold, but lightly broiled over your past flames. Best of luck.