Sorority Girl Holding Banner Does Not Know Event Name
There she stood, five foot six inches, holding an eight foot banner illustrated in blue, white, and green. Unable to distinguish the purpose of the event from the banner, I approached the lady in white Converse and an XL T-shirt to discover the meaning of abusing such a nice bedsheet.
A freshman whose sorority wishes to go unnamed, Sydney Corningstone, the banner-holder, proved to be of little assistance.
“I don’t know what it is for exactly. It seems to be a big deal. Some sort of ‘big’ event. One of my sisters asked me to help, and I just wanted to brighten up everyone’s day with my infectious smile,” Ms. Corningstone said.
Well, no one was amused. Least of all this reporter, who was determined to get to the bottom of her blissful ignorance. Why did she obliviously sign up to hold a banner? How many times had she held that banner or untold other banners? How many other things did she “not know?” Why are Converse popular again?
The speculation was driving me mad.
Ms. Corningston knew nothing, yet there she stood, holding the banner just as she undoubtedly held other perverse lies and dark secrets. Her “infectious smile” with her beautiful, dark, dusky hair and dreamy eyes were clearly a ruse to distract this sleuth from unraveling the truth of her conspiracy.
After a stakeout of her residence, this investigator discovered that she visited a plantation style house on Athens Drive several times a week. The white, grecian columns supporting the front deck gave it a pristine look. Too pristine.
“Oh, Sydney? She’s a real carefree type. She always does stuff on the spur of the moment,” her roommate, Rachel Coughton, said.
When asked about the conspiracy, Ms. Coughton said, “Who are you again? Are you that guy who has been liking all of [Sydney’s] photos? Get out of here!”
Clearly, she was trying to cover up the perfidious machinations concocted by the whole lot of them. Just as this gumshoe gets close, they slam the door on him.
One thing is for certain, this detective will not quit. He will search out the truth like the love of his life depended on it.
-Bellamy Partridge
Bellamy was famous before we ever met her. A feminism icon and a winner of the Nobel Prize in Literature for her bestselling book, “Two X Chromosomes and a Partridge in a Pear Tree”. Sure, she may not seem the usual comedic type, but she’s famous, so we wanted her.