CIA Topples Oppressive Regime, 5 for Yell Off the Ballots
Since its founding in 1947, the Central Intelligence Agency has been dedicated to the promotion of freedom and American ideals throughout the world. From behind the Soviet Iron Curtain to the doorstep of the Taliban, their operatives specialize in wresting vestiges of freedom from under the oppressive boot of tyranny. Some of their most publicized work has been the toppling of militaristic regimes and encouraging free elections in the ever expanding Free World.
Now where might these Sentinels of Freedom have declared their latest victory? North Korea? Cuba? Afghanistan? It is actually resting right under your nose – literally. The CIA vanquished an enemy of freedom right here in College Station.
For far too long, the Corps of Cadets have been stifling our free speech. Year after year, we are given the illusion of an election, living under the guise that we have a say into who will lead Yells at our beloved Kyle Field. Our votes have been ignored, and our First Amendment rights ripped apart by their khaki brand of militaristic oppression. They claim election after election, keeping the white jumpsuits securely in the Quad’s closets.
Our silent struggles have not gone unseen by those in the Clandestine Service. For years, one of them has served among us: James Olson. Officially retired after 25 years in the CIA, his final assignment was to undermine the oppression of 5 for Yell. Posing as a professor, he cozied up to various officers and commandants in order to topple their militaristic control. Though his exact methods are still shrouded behind red tape, there is one fact in which we can take solace in.
We. Are. Free.
No longer will our ballots be shackled by the chains of Five for Yell. Our yell leaders can be whoever we want them to be. With Five for Yell out of the way, people like Steven Lanz and (insert other names here) finally have a prayer, protected under democracy’s wings. Next fall, when you see yell leaders with hair longer than half an inch, remember the true American heroes, people like James Olsen, who tire away in the shadows to thwart tyranny and help those who cannot help themselves.
God Bless you all, and God bless Texas A&M University.
-Beutel Call
After we watched him bounce out of the bed of an old F-150 on his way to the Beutel Health Center because he sliced his leg fighting a dinosaur fossil, he professed his life story to us, speaking highly of his many exploits rescuing road kill. We soon learned Beutel has a large poster with his face on every bulletin board labeled “DO NOT ADMIT. WILL POCKET TONGUE DEPRESSORS AND STICK BAND-AIDS TO WAITING ROOM CEILING.”