University Launches Investigation into On-Campus Coke Dealers

Campus Police Spokesperson, Jim Beamer, announced today that Texas A&M has commissioned the University Police Department to find and take down a ring of influential and possibly dangerous criminals dealing illegal Coke across campus.

“Coke is a dangerous substance, and students can’t find it on campus for a reason,” Beamer said in his statement Monday. “Campus is not the place for stuff like Coke—if you really need it, just go to a gas station. Don’t bring it on campus when you can drink delicious Pepsi products instead.”

According to the report, campus police received an anonymous tip that someone was offering students Diet Sprite, a lower calorie but equally as dangerous Coke product, in the MSC. Campus police followed the lead and were not able to find the dealer but did find evidence of Cherry Coke, a rarer form of Coke that only experienced users know how to handle.

“This stuff is dangerous, and people are getting hurt,” Interim President Mark A. Hussey said in an interview for the Battalion yesterday. “Our partnership with Pepsi is more of an Aggie tradition than people realize, and Coca-Cola use is not something we stand for at this great university.”

However, not everyone feels the dealers are a threat. Sophomore Abigail Greene has launched not only an anti-campus police initiative, but has said several times she supports the freedom of students to consume Coke.

“Coke isn’t as harmful as you think,” Greene said to the Mugdown in an exclusive interview earlier today. “The government has lied because they can make more money from busting these dealing rings rather than taxing and regulating it—there is a whole conspiracy going on here. I say we stop beverage crime through legalization: not just Coke, either. Students should be free to do even harder stuff, like Fanta.”

Though Greene’s comments disturbed some, no one was more terrified of her proposition than Aggie Republicans member and self-proclaimed redass, Manuel Rosales. “I know every college has some junkies and some Coke-heads, but they should have the decency to respect University law and get by on Pepsi when they are on University grounds. Coca-Cola is a gateway to more serious things; I don’t want good Ags wasting their lives on this stuff.”

Clearly, students are divided on this issue. Dr. Hussey and the Campus Police ask that if somebody offers you Coke products on your way to class, you call the Campus Police immediately and are prepared to give your location and a description.

Stay safe, Mugdown readers, and though we take no stance on the issue, we do implore you to restrain from consuming Coca-Cola or other dangerous substances in public settings or at parties where someone might take advantage of you.

-Zero Dark Eighty