Female Students Chug Wine to Prove Not Pregnant:

SOME DOCTORS CONVINCED, OTHERS REMAIN SKEPTICAL

Texas A&M University’s Beutel Student Health Center, also colloquially known as “The Quack Shack,” has implemented a new policy in the women’s restrooms. Signs brandishing “Only toilet paper in toilets” litter the stall doors, along with artist renditions of several day-to-day items that are prohibited from entering the bowl: toothbrushes, keys, smartphones, and wine bottles among them.

A janitor commented on the latest restroom reform, saying, “Yeah, we get a lot o’ kids droppin’ more than deuces, if you catch my drift.”

“I come to Beutel regularly for allergy shots, and they ask me every single time if I’m pregnant,” super-senior and long-time Aggie fan Megan Pursell said. “It takes almost an hour of convincing them that the only thing I’m remotely close to being in a relationship with is Netflix. Beutel’s worse than my insanely jealous ex-boyfriend.”

She went on to say that many female students, uncomfortable with the recurring onslaught of questions about their personal business, have resorted to extreme measures. An on-campus league has formed, christening themselves the Female Leaders Against Repeated Pregnancy Inquiries, or the FLARPI Harpies.

The president of the Harpies, Cecily Watson, declined to comment on their past injunctions for bringing alcohol into the Beutel offices, but the Harpies are notorious for chugging wine in front of Beutel’s doctors and nurses as a way of proving that the only thing they are expecting is alcoholism. Continued complaints indicate some doctors are not convinced.

One witness came forward, claiming he had heard screams resonating from the Women’s Clinic one afternoon.

“I heard ‘Do you believe me now?’ and then saw this girl run out of a room with what appeared to be a glass bottle in her hand,” said junior Political Science major Eddie Dallas. “She had wine-soaked lips and the fury of nine rabid dogs in her eyes, so I got the hell out of her way, but it looked like she was making her way to the bathroom. I didn’t think anything of it. I mean, I know about the rumors. I even considered joining the Harpies after a Beutel nurse tried to refer me to an OB/GYN for my recurring nausea, because she was convinced I had morning sickness.”

Several attempts have been made to contact Beutel in an effort to lay this issue to rest, but our reporters have been met with hostility and several questionnaires, all of which demand “Are you pregnant? If you checked ‘No’, you’re lying.”

-CBerg