Basic White Girls Literally Can’t Handle Starbucks Line

It is no secret that Starbucks is in high demand at Texas A&M. Since the MSC brought the franchise to campus in 2013, it has been clear that Aggies’ appetites could not be satiated with only one decent on-campus coffee center. The Texas A&M student body rejoiced when the school announced the replacement of Evans Library’s Poor Yorick’s with Starbucks this past summer.

However, this cause for celebration quickly became a thorn in the side of a special population on Texas A&M’s campus: Basic White Girls. You know who they are. If you do not have a good image of this person, look in the the Evans Library Starbucks line for the girl in yoga pants and an oversized t-shirt with a face contorted into the perfect Snapchat to send to her BFF. If that does not help you, it is likely because this describes every girl in line, as well as some of the boys.

The line at Starbucks has grown into a source of contempt among many on campus, but the arguably most affected are the baristas.  Karen Westwood, former full-time barista, reminisced on her time working in a place she described as a hellhole.

“I lasted for the first week, but then I had to quit,” said Westwood, “I couldn’t stand the stress, knowing that any moment somebody might throw coffee in my face.” Luckily for the baristas that remain, the lovely women in line value their sweet black nectar of life over steaming vigilante justice.

The real question is why these unsatisfied customers continue to return. Five weeks into the semester, the demand for coffee remains high whilst the supply remains low. Economics major, Michael Hendricks, admitted that the Evans Library Starbucks was the best argument for capitalism he had witnessed since he attended the meeting for Aggie Conservatives this past week.

“It’s amazing how faithful people are to a good product,” Hendricks said, “my Twitter feed will be full of people who ‘literally can’t even’ over the Starbucks line, and, the very next day, I will see those same individuals walking out of the library with white chocolate mochas in hand.”

In response to the high-pitched whines of basic girls across campus, the Evans Library Starbucks has promised to hear out every last, screeching complaint.

“The customer is always right,” said manager, Renaldo Montoya, “so in the coming weeks, we will be implementing a line cut-off. Once the line reaches a certain length, we will no longer allow others to step in, thereby guaranteeing the shortness of the line!” Mr. Montoya assures us that his plan is fool-proof.

The Mugdown did confirm that this cut-off will be defined by physical space and not head-count. Therefore, it will be to everyone’s advantage to ensure that only the Skinny(est) Latte lovers get in line.

-Lonely Lighter