Kyle Field Scoreboard Adds 15 Pounds Kyle Field Scoreboard Adds 15 Pounds
After complaints by fans that the scoreboard added the Freshman 15 a bit too early in the year, the Kyle Field media staff took... Kyle Field Scoreboard Adds 15 Pounds

After complaints by fans that the scoreboard added the Freshman 15 a bit too early in the year, the Kyle Field media staff took a hard look at their equipment to make sure everything was square.

The video board, now the largest in the country, was made to maximize image quality, but the unintended consequence was maximizing several people’s beer bellies.

University officials were not able to determine what is causing the image to appear so wide until Friday evening. Trying to avoid culpability, several university administrators pointed to other flaws on campus to shift blame.

“I would take a good hard look at dining services,” said Athletic Director Eric Hyman. “Some of them look like the students who ate the 12th Man.”

Dining services quickly pushed the blame away from themselves, citing evidence that outsourced food actually decreases students appetites.

“Because the lowest dining option is $600, many students don’t even eat on campus,” Fred Wencel, the Senior Director of Food Operations, said. “I would be surprised if the weight gain was our fault. We try to deter students from eating on campus.”

After a week of finger-pointing and name-calling the problem was finally discovered. It turns out that a ridiculously rectangular screen was stretching the image. Because of the image crisis, 12th Man Productions immediately made the shift to a new experimental camera developed by a joint task force of engineering students and the liberal arts college.

The shift in camera equipment will only have minor costs, allowing the projected total to be $200 million to switch to the new cameras. It will be added to the Kyle Field Redevelopment budget.

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-Commons Lobbyist

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Commons Lobbyist

Everyone’s favorite person to talk to on their break at work: the guy obsessed with politics. You’ve been working for five hours now and nothing is more sacred to you than this all too short half hour to relax, but guess who’s waiting in the break room for someone to talk to. Again. Sure, try and quote that headline you read two or three months ago. It doesn’t matter, the Commons Lobbyist knows he’s better informed than you. He could smell it on you as soon as you rounded that corner.

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