LLAC: How to Like Football If You Don’t Like Football – A Girl’s Guide

The Lonely Lighter Advice Column on:
How to Like Football If You Don’t Like Football – A Girl’s Guide

Hey Lonely,
I have an embarrassing confession: I can’t like Aggie Football. I know; I’m a total two-percenter, but I have really tried. There are so many rules, and it’s so hot at games. Last week, I faked passing out because I wanted to leave early when all my friends wanted to stay! I’m desperate, and for the next three months, my social life is revolving around this issue. Do you have any advice on how to fake it better or maybe even become a little more redass?

Thanks & Gig ‘Em (is that what I’m supposed to say?),
Practically Skim

Hey Skim,
Alright, I’ll be honest. I usually don’t help two-percenters, but the less of you there are, the better. Plus, your willingness to change makes you, like, slightly more palatable. Hopefully, these tips will help you to actually enjoy the best four hours of your week.

1. Let’s talk pre-kickoff.

One thing that always works in any boring situation is hydrating. Everyone feels more comfortable with a drink in hand! While water will make the games less physically miserable, alcohol will make the games more mentally tolerable. You choose which is more important.

Additionally, free food is a major plus for tailgates. You don’t have to contribute anything except a few semi-real friendships with the hosts. Honestly, tailgates are the only place I can think of that will give you legitimately delicious and completely free food. All of this is great, but the real best part about tailgates is all the small talk you get to enjoy with people who you never see and don’t care about.

2. Don’t hate the players, hate the game (if you have to).

If you haven’t noticed yet, there are some fine specimens of manliness running around in front of you. Not only are they naturally (Sorry, but that ain’t natural, honey. That’s hours in the gym everyday.) ripped, but the pads they are wearing accentuate just about everything.

Exhibit A – #38 Drew Kaser:

If those eyes and that smile don’t just hit you in the heart, then maybe you haven’t looked at his butt. (Also, he is now a Heisman contender according to Toast with Toates — that’s like the football equivalent of being America’s Next Top Model.)

Exhibit B – #20 Trey Williams:

Okay, stop staring at those arms and notice how good he is with children! Have you ever seen a happier baby?

Exhibit C – #56 Mike Matthews, #96 Jay Arnold, and #1 Brandon Williams:

Girl, I don’t know your life, but maybe those first two didn’t do it for you. Maybe you’re not a butt-loving, child-caring girl; maybe you’re into luscious locks. Jay Arnold recently took a bold move with his mullet/beard combo and is honestly rocking it. Now, people get their hair cut all the time, but Mikey and Brandon have the kind of hair that softly tells you to put away the scissors and run your fingers through it slowly and tenderly.

3. When the Aggies score, we score.

Boyfriends are great. Boyfriends during football season are better. Not only do you have the promised make-out session of Midnight Yell the night before, but during the game, when the Aggies put points on the board, your S.O. puts points on your board, if you know what I’m sayin’ (;

Okay, you probably have no idea what I am saying because that made no sense at all. Basically, Aggies score = stadium-wide PDA. I know you never thought the day would come at such a conservative school, but with as many points as we are putting up each game, this whole impromptu make-out thing is getting pretty commonplace. Yummy.

Added Bonus: Maybe your boyfriend will even love you enough to teach you a few things about football.

4. Fake it ‘til you make it.

Last, but certainly not least, there are some key phrases that will work at any game at almost any time that will not only help you feel smart, but might actually convince those around you that you actually are. Forget understanding, just yell stuff. Most of the time the noise is appreciated.

Use the following lines any time you need to trick your friends into thinking you know what’s going on:

• “DEFENSE WINS CHAMPIONSHIPS!”
  • Pull this jewel of wisdom out if people start chanting “Wrecking Crew”. Also… CHANT WRECKING CREW like all the time
• “WHOOP!”
  • Just let it out randomly when the crowd seems excited.
  • If you’re a freshman or sophomore, then opt for the half-hearted “Woo!” to avoid pushing, because freshmen do NOT whoop. That’s bad bull, and bad bull loses games. And trust me, we don’t want to lose games.
• “WHO PAID THESE REFEREES?”
  • If the crowd seems upset, shouting this one is guaranteed to have people turning to agree with you.
• “GET ‘EM!” and/or “GO! GO! GO!”
  • Use these, well, whenever anyone is running, really.
  • For extra points, gauge the crowd’s reaction when the running stops. Use the appropriate “WHOOP!” or “WHO PAID THESE REFS?” to start a Super Combo!

With these few tips, you will be able to fool at least the other dirty two-percenters you’ll probably be standing with. Here’s to hoping you bump up to at least a three-percenter.

With love,
Lonely Lighter
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