FOCUS ON THE FUTURE: ADDERALL DISPENSERS COMING TO CAMPUS

Last week, Texas A&M Student Health Services unveiled a plan to install new vending machines across campus. However, instead of Pepsi products and Starbucks Frappuccinos, these state-of-the-art dispensers will contain a stock of the medicinal variety. Each dispenser will be equipped with various prescription strengths of the drug amphetamine sulfate, commonly referred to as Adderall.

Martha Dannenbaum, Director of Student Health Services, made the announcement this past Wednesday.

“As an elite university, we are proud to provide our students with the premier tools to ensure their utmost success,” said Dannenbaum,  “both in the classroom and in their future careers.”

The announcement comes on the heels of numerous meetings between Texas A&M officials and Teva Pharmaceutical Industries, the primary manufacturer and patent holder of Adderall and the fast acting variant, Adderall XR. Reports indicate that the university was first contacted by representatives from the pharmaceutical giant this summer, and they began meeting soon after.

“Meetings were very productive,” said Texas A&M board member, Jacob Holland, who was assigned to the specialized task force. “I admit that I was skeptical at first in light of the concerning evidence of long term dependence and addictive tendencies related with the drug, but [Teva Pharmaceuticals] allowed us to test the product and I have to say, it was the most engaging meeting I have ever been a part of. We nailed down the details in 15 minutes and spent the remaining eight and a half hours discussing the irreversible consequences of 17th century imperialism on the indigenous gecko population of southern Guatemala.”

Early details about the dispensers indicate that they will accept cash and credit card — although technical difficulties with the latter indicate that credit cards will only be readable approximately one out of every twelve attempts. Additionally, inside sources revealed that there is considerable discussion pertaining to the allowance of dining dollars as a form payment.

Student Health Services has also announced a plan to incorporate the writing of Adderall prescriptions at the on campus Beutel Health Center. The test — which is to be administered by Teva officials — is rumored to consist of participants sitting in a room, popcorn reading excerpts from Ayn Rand’s dystopian novel, Atlas Shrugged. Prescriptions are allotted to students who elect to leave the room.

Dannenbaum concluded the announcement by saying, “Study drug abuse has long been a concerning issue at universities across the country with students willing to do anything in order to get a competitive advantage over their classmates. We at Texas A&M hope to transform that abuse into a service — the problem into a solution.”

-Riffety Raff