Engineering Rivalries Climax, Tribal Warfare Ensues

Riots broke out early Wednesday morning, April 16, on the eastern side of campus where engineering students primarily have class.

These riots were the explosive result of a recent strain of vehement arguments the students have had over whose course load is the most stressful. Engineering students from all different branches had taken part in the vicious bickering for over a week, but Wednesday morning the vocal vituperations turned violent.

“I remember talking with Chris about how one of our professors looked a lot like Khan from the original Star Trek: II,” said Peter Stapner, junior nuclear engineering major.

Stapner witnessed an attack on his friend Chris DeMare, a fellow Neunaggie (as they now call themselves). “It just came out of nowhere and hit him,” Stapner said as he sharpened makeshift arrows.

Many students who were going about their business that morning recall seeing a metal spear sail through the air and impale DeMare.

“The Aeros are responsible,” said Jamie Baker, a Bemennenite (biomedical engineer), “[the spear] practically flew! I think it was even guided, like a missile.”

The Aerodites (aerospace engineers) refuse to give a statement or even speak English anymore. They have already adopted their own language based on aerospace specific terms, and they now wear little to no clothing.

“They’re obsessed about shedding weight,” Baker said as she skinned a bat to later cook and eat. “Anything to make themselves lighter and sleeker.”

The students involved have marked off territories, crafted weapons, and applied war paint with expo markers. A few more skirmishes have occurred since then, but it is difficult to differentiate between a battle and a hostile, close encounter.
“Sometimes we don’t intend to fight,” said Tsu-Min Hsueh, a Petogunkä (petroleum engineer). “Like when two hunting parties get a little too close; we’d rather just part ways without getting into anything, but sometimes, somebody gets antsy. Things can turn ugly pretty quickly if somebody makes a sudden move or casts the wrong glance or mentions anything about their average starting salary right out of college.”

For now, there are no signs of the fighting subsiding, and students are unsure of where it all will lead. Students are also worrying about how this will affect their academic performance.

“I just want it to be done with,” Stapner said, “I’ve got three exams next week and a ton of homework to do before then.”

More exciting developments are sure to develop. Until then, stay clear from East Campus, or, as the engineering students have started calling it, the Techniklands.

– Samurai Sully