A&M Proud Home of Two White Heismen
COLLEGE STATION, TX — During the farewell ceremony for Johnny Manziel, Shultz Staffel ’39, expressed to the audience his joy over how far Texas A&M University has come over the decades. Amid the merriment and autograph signing, those in attendance also caught parts of Staffel’s impassioned speech.
“It brings tears to my eyes and warmth to my heart to say before you today that though this young man is departing, he has left us a legacy. That legacy, my comrades, starts with A&M being home to two white Heisman winners.”
Staffel was referring respectively to the 1957 and 2012 Heisman Trophy winners John David Crowe and Johnny Manziel. He continued his speech with a jab at A&M’s former rival.
“Two white Heisman winners! That is more than t.u. [UT] can claim!” said Staffel.
No one in the audience had the heart to tell him about the ending of the historic rivalry two years ago.
“I’m proud to see that over the years, A&M hasn’t lost sight of its proud origin. Many of us ol’ ags remember our glory days when Texas AMC upheld the tradition of white males only.” said Staffel.
“Back when the corps had real rifles and the only girls on campus were shipped in from Baylor on gameday.”
Staffel closed his speech saying, “We have kept our [tradition pure and undefiled from outside forces]. Our values of honor, excellence, and selfless service have been upheld by having two white Heisman winners.”
He continued, “The odds may be stacked against us, but we here at A&M can maintain purity! The blitzkrieg is now! A&M has started its third rise into a dynasty that will last 1000 years!”
Staffel’s speech drowned out in a chorus of whoops and chants of “S-E-C!” as uniformed members of the corps marched waving torches.
At press time, Herr Staffel could be heard yelling, “Vee are ze Aggies, ze Aggies are vee!”[sic]
-Bellamy Partridge
Bellamy was famous before we ever met her. A feminism icon and a winner of the Nobel Prize in Literature for her bestselling book, “Two X Chromosomes and a Partridge in a Pear Tree”. Sure, she may not seem the usual comedic type, but she’s famous, so we wanted her.