The Mugdown is Proud to Endorse Bailey Burrus
Our paper has been proud to accurately and impartially report the news this election season. We believe that even as a satirical newspaper, it is our responsibility to be unbiased during this process. However, after hearing the cornerstone of his campaign: plans for the ability to spend dining dollars at the Post Oak Mall, we thought long and hard about our ethics, and after much debate, we came to the unanimous conclusion, “Screw impartiality.”
Thus, it is with great honor and privilege that The Mugdown has decided to officially endorse Bailey Burrus for Student Body President.
Our decision was simple, because nothing is more noble than fighting for the God-given right to use dining dollars at the Post Oak Mall. Nothing. Not liberty. Not freedom. Not even the 12th man.
We share Bailey’s vision for a future where one can go to a mediocre mall and spend dining dollars on overpriced chain food. Chartwells can outsource our dining and cleaning services, but they can never outsource hope!
For those who question Bailey’s character or motivation, I have a quick anecdote that may change your mind.
We were on our annual spring break trip to the frozen tundras of Alaska with Bailey, when we heard a shrill cry and saw something falling from a tree. It was a bald eagle.
Our reaction was, “Stupid bird. Can’t you fly?”
But Bailey knew better.
He immediately dove towards the tree with his hands outstretched. The majestic bird landed in his arms gently, as if he was made of memory foam sculpted into the figure of a young, handsome man. That anything could fall forty feet and not be harmed, may defy science, but nothing defies Bailey Burrus.
The first thing we noticed was that the bird had fallen unconscious from shock. B-Unit did not hesitate to leap into action. He immediately performed mouth-to-beak on the bald eagle. He gave freedom the kiss of life. Soon, the bird was breathing again, and we could have all sworn that we heard it audibly thank Bailey.
If you think this story seems improbable or even impossible, you are absolutely right. You know what else sounds impossible? Dining dollars at Post Oak Mall.
Simply put, B-Unit makes the impossible happen.
He will be the first to admit that he doesn’t do it all on his own. Burrus told us that “with man, this is impossible, but with God, all things are possible.”
Here’s hoping God loves freedom and not one of those other candidates.
When February 20th and 21st come around, The Mugdown humbly asks that you write in Bailey Burrus. He is many things: a fighter, a friend, a lover, but above all those things he is the man for the job.
-Cactus Jack
Like Bellamy, we knew immediately that we wanted Cactus Jack on our team. It probably has to do with the fact that when we first met him, he was trying to figure out what it would feel like to lick a cactus. He’s sort of like the abandoned dog you come across on the side of the highway. He may be ugly, but we pulled over to watch and now we feel at least partially responsible for him.