Yesterday, January 28th, 2014 — a date which will live in obscurity — The Maroon Lampoon was suddenly and deliberately attacked by the forces of The Mugdown.
The Maroon Lampoon was at peace with the rival newspaper and, at the solicitation of The Mugdown, was in conversation with The Mugdown, looking toward the maintenance of peace in the satirical newspaper niche.
Indeed, The Mugdown ambassador to The Maroon Lampoon delivered to our Editor-in-Chief a message stating that it seemed useless to continue the existing diplomatic negotiations, but it contained no threat or hint of war.
It will be recorded that the distance of our headquarters from The Mugdown makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago.
During the intervening time, The Mugdown has deliberately sought to deceive The Maroon Lampoon by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace.
The attack yesterday has caused severe damage to Maroon Lampoon forces. I regret to tell you that very many Maroon Lampoon interns have been lost. Our sweet Buffalo Bill passed earlier today after slipping on ice while fleeing the scene.
Yesterday, The Mugdown government also launched an attack against the Battalion.
Last night, Mugdown forces attacked the Good Bull.
And this morning, the Mugdown attacked Hong Kong.
Our Editor-in-Chief has directed that all measures be taken for our defense. But always will our whole nation remember the character of the onslaught against us.
Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our territory, and our interests are in grave danger.
With confidence in our armed forces, with the unbounding determination of our people, we will gain the inevitable triumph — so help us God.