Last Thursday, a student was spotted stumbling into the Evans Library Starbucks. According to police reports, bystanders identified the student as sophomore Elliot Hammers, a known caffeine junkie looking for his next fix.
Hammers appeared to be experiencing withdrawals, as characterized by his violent twitching and frequent outbursts. Those around him reported repeated, unsolicited bragging. When someone nearby complained about being tired, Hammers reportedly shouted “Oh yeah? Well I’ve only slept four hours in the last three days. I’m already on my fifth cup of coffee today.” By the time Hammers had reached the front of the line, a Starbucks employee had already alerted the campus police, who moved in to arrest him.
University police returned Hammers to his dorm room, where they were shocked at what they discovered. Officer Dale Barnes shared the harrowing details.
“Jesus, this guy has caffeine paraphernalia everywhere in his dorm room,” Barnes said, looking around in disgust. “We’ve got k-cups hidden under the bed, Red Bull cans everywhere, coffee grounds all over the sink. My god, he even has a french press.”
Officer Barnes went on to explain that this sort of behavior is becoming increasingly common with college students.
“These punks try to get an edge any way they can,” said Barnes, clearly disturbed by what he had seen. “Why can’t you junkies just get enough sleep like the rest of your peers, instead of gaming the system? It’s so sad to see kids these days turning to drugs to solve their problems.”