Students Concerned About Ominous “Machine” On Campus Students Concerned About Ominous “Machine” On Campus
Throughout the university, Texas A&M students whispered rumors to one another about a menacing threat on campus. Rumors about a “Machine” has an overwhelming... Students Concerned About Ominous “Machine” On Campus

Throughout the university, Texas A&M students whispered rumors to one another about a menacing threat on campus. Rumors about a “Machine” has an overwhelming majority of students uncertain about the nature of this entity running campus. The rumor began as students heard frequent reference towards a “Machine” by students involved in Student Government.

“It could be some kind of artificial intelligence meant to destroy us,” said Audrey Spellman, a junior environmental sciences major. “What right does this object have in dictating my time at Texas A&M?” Spellman’s concerns were not hers alone, as a number of students have grown aggravated over the mysterious force behind the curtains.

Various groups of students began searching for the location of this supposed “Machine” to no avail. One group, the Aggie Luddites, marched from Wehner to the Emerging Technologies Building in an effort to uncover the device. The crowd, capitalizing on the paranoia, swelled to almost 1,000 members during their trek across campus.

“Machines have no right to dictate our lives and make decisions affecting our campus,” said Samuel Rocking, a freshman psychology major. “My self-determination is my right, and human beings should dictate how this campus is run, not some robot. If we wanted to reshape the culture of campus, then we would do it, not let some AI decide our fate.”

Other students want to go beyond simply protesting and wish to destroy the “Machine’s” existence. “A machine cannot dictate morality, it cannot craft laws, it cannot be redass,” said Jonathan Connor, a senior electrical engineering major. “Although mankind has pushed the boundaries of technology before, it will not happen here. The rise of this ‘Machine’ will be stopped.” Connor and his crowd of extremists took the Zachry Building by force and have begun tearing it apart.

Student Body President Bobby Brooks could not be reached for comment. President Brooks, along with the rest of Student Government, could not be found on campus. “I heard they were located in the building where I submitted my FLO application,” said Jesse Glassman, a junior English major. “I think the only thing in Koldus is the lobby and the parking garage.”

Only time will tell if students are able to locate this “Machine” on campus, or if it is just an SGA inside joke used more than it ever should be.

 

– Netflix and Drill

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Netflix & Drill

Not like that, you pervert. Like Corps drills. Get your mind out of the gutter. “Why is ‘The Bridge on The River Kwai’ not on Netflix,” he shouts. Netflix & Drill doesn’t just stand for the Aggie football games, he remains standing for the entirety of every single weekend the Aggies play football, sitting down only to sleep.

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