How the Mob, as Transportation Services, Extorts Campus How the Mob, as Transportation Services, Extorts Campus
The Mafia has taken root at Texas A&M. In a shocking revelation, The Mugdown discovered that the Mob has taken over Transportation Services and... How the Mob, as Transportation Services, Extorts Campus

The Mafia has taken root at Texas A&M.

In a shocking revelation, The Mugdown discovered that the Mob has taken over Transportation Services and set up a massive extortion operation that relies on revenues from parking tickets and parking permits.

The Mob, under the leadership of Don Goodfella, who agreed to be interviewed via payphone, has set up a system of intimidation to ensure that as many students as possible feel they must buy a parking pass.

The first step was scaring the bus drivers into submission.

“Yanno the first step was takin’ down the bus system,” said Goodfella. “If people think that they can get to campus using reliable public transit then we’re done, it’s over, goodnight. So, when we set up shop, we started takin’ the old drivers out for a little ride to Lake Bryan, and if they liked our suggestion, then we brought ‘em into the Family. If they didn’t, we fed ‘em to the fishes. Easy as that.”

After derailing the efficiency of the bus system, Goodfella began hiring students to recklessly ride through campus on bikes to ruin the reputation of bikers.

“We needed everyone to think that people who ride bikes are total morons,” said Goodfella. “And we didn’t hire just anyone, either. No, we got people from every part of campus, y’see. We got the Christians, the frat boys, the FLOs, the Maroon Coats, all the pretentious people we could get our hands on to make riding bikes and scooters look like somethin’ only schmucks did.”

After securing parking garages and parking lots, the Mob began raising permit prices and then punishing those who refused to pay by employing their army of rabid parking lot attendants.

“If you don’t pay for your protection, then we can’t help what happens to you,” said Goodfella. “You wanna deal with our parking lot attendants? Be my guest. You wanna take a ride on the Spirit Bus? Be my guest. You don’t wanna pay my fee? Go ahead, but the thing is, everyone—and I mean everyone—pays.”

 

—Fish Daddy

 

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Fish Daddy

We really aren’t sure, but he’s definitely one of two things: 1) just an average marine biology major who loves his water bottle and spends a lot of time in Galveston; 2) the real-life inspiration for Disney Channel’s 1999 original movie The Thirteenth Year who has since discovered he can control his merman powers and survive on land for short periods of time in order to learn about his oceanic home and become an activist for Gulf Coast restoration projects. One of the two.

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