Profit Share for Individual Profit Share for Individual
While most youth in dire financial straits would seek a job, Aaron Schwartz is not like most students. Schwartz, a junior political science major,... Profit Share for Individual

While most youth in dire financial straits would seek a job, Aaron Schwartz is not like most students. Schwartz, a junior political science major, is instead relying on the kindness of strangers by hosting his own profit share, hoping to use the proceeds he collects to fund his expenses this semester.

“I initially had some reservations, but why get a job when I can just get a cut of the money people were gonna spend anyway…it’s really a no brainer,” Schwartz said.  “I can use the system to my advantage, so why not?”

Reportedly, Schwartz racked up a tab across town of well over $3,000 due to his penchant for “popping bands,” going so far as paying people just to keep his drinks cold.

“I spent all my scholarship money at Northgate last weekend. I don’t regret it, but now I can no longer maintain my previous standard of living,” Schwartz said. “I’m forced to limit myself to just the bare necessities.”

He intends to use the money he collects for food, a massage chair, and a new bong. Schwartz’s friends and family have been very supportive during this difficult chapter in his life.

“Ya know, ballin’ on a budget isn’t easy. This is really gonna test his abilities, but I’m confident he’ll succeed,” said close friend Wyatt Corrigan.

Schwartz has a certain standard of excellence when it comes to ballin’ that he would like to maintain, which will definitely prove to be quite the challenge in the coming months.

“He’s gonna have to ball smart, but that’s our baby boy!” said Schwartz’s mother. “I taught him everything he knows.”

Whatever lies ahead in Schwartz’s future is unclear, but one thing is for certain: being a baller is a blessing and a curse.

 

-Plug Down for Watt

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Plug Down for Watt

Plug Down for Watt failed the Turing Test. I guess that means she’s a robot or a computer or something? I mean, it would explain a few things, like her perfect spelling and math skills, but she has a heart that no computer could ever have. Plug’s too funny to be a computer anyways! So maybe she’s a cyborg. A cyborg who’s on our side.

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