Desperate Applicant Blurs Line Between Networking and Stalking Desperate Applicant Blurs Line Between Networking and Stalking
Peter Bennington, a senior Management Information Systems major, has been terrorizing recruiters across the state since the Business Career Fair in a pathetic attempt... Desperate Applicant Blurs Line Between Networking and Stalking

Peter Bennington, a senior Management Information Systems major, has been terrorizing recruiters across the state since the Business Career Fair in a pathetic attempt to find a job.

“Everyone at the career center told me that following up is one of the most important steps in the application process,” the unemployable student said. “So I’ve been doing everything in my power to establish a connection with these people.”

No act is too depraved for Bennington, who has greeted hiring managers on their front porch, slipped cover letters into windshield wipers, and rented a strategic billboard so recruiters will pass by a 14-foot copy of his resume on their daily commute.

“I’m watching my phone constantly,” Bennington said. “It’s only a matter of time before it’s blowing up with job offers.”

Sadly, Bennington’s targets do not share his enthusiasm. Reactions have ranged from annoyed to absolutely terrified. Mary Keenan, a recruiter from Capital One, plans on getting the police involved to protect her family.

“The sick bastard gave my kids a ride home from school and gave them cover letters to pass on to me,” Keenan said. “He even had the audacity to ask them to endorse him on LinkedIn. They don’t even have email addresses!”

Bennington was last seen slipping a copy of his resume under every pillow in College Station.

-War Hymnal

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War Hymnal

We haven’t met a more maroon-blooded Aggie than War Hymnal. He can be seen across campus, whether it’s banner-holding for Breakaway or giving campus tours. A man of true virtue, the only swear word he says is “hell,” but only when shouting “sounds like hell” during the Aggie War Hymn. He says he doesn’t feel guilty about it because his service at the Big Event serves as his annual repentance.

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