December Graduate Already Complaining About New Army
The Mugdown sat down with recent graduate Chip “Bucky” Reynolds for a Q&A session to discuss the changing culture at Texas A&M.
Mugdown: So, how have things changed at A&M since you graduated a few weeks ago?
Reynolds: Everything’s different. These damn kids don’t barely even go to the same school as I did. When I was a freshman, things were simpler. Kyle Field weren’t some big, fancy, brick temple dedicated to the god of marketing. It was a cold, Siberian prison made out of nothing but concrete, and bat s**t.
M: Well you have to expect that buildings will be changed over time. How about the students, have they changed?
R: The kids these days have it easy. Way back in my day we didn’t have any of the fancy-pants luxuries they have now. Hell, I saw an attractive girl in a Corps uniform the other day. Wasn’t none of that in my day- we hazed out any girl that didn’t have at least as much chest hair as the rest of us. How are cadets these days supposed to bond with their buddies through the shared uncomfortable experience of repressed homoeroticism if there’s damn girls hanging around?
M: So you think students have started taking some aspects of campus life for granted in the time since you graduated, a few weeks ago?
R: Of course I do. If you don’t believe me, just go over to Northgate! It’s downright unnatural! Shouldn’t ever be anything but beer served at The Chicken. Walking through the cold to the Dry Bean for shots builds character. And now there’s these frat boys hanging around all the time, they’re ruining The Chicken! Wearing their Sperry’s and neon polo shirts, I’ve even seen some of ‘em ‘pop their collars’, the nerve! T’ain’t right.
M: What are some things that you got to experience in college that current students will not?
R: Way back in my college days things were better, there was actually grass left in a few places on campus, we still played t.u. in football, and you could call a girl a ‘broad’ unironically. But now, I’m hearing about all these changes that don’t sit well with me. The administration is trying to change the University Seal, that’s outrageous! Back in my day we didn’t even know there was a seal. And don’t even get me started on this 25×25 thing. I’m not sure what it is but I don’t like it. Can’t trust something that’s got a math problem for a name.
M: The Mugdown is a pretty new organization on campus, how do you feel about us?
R: Your name is stupid, no one mugs down anymore, the kids won’t get the reference. Besides, we don’t need no students hanging around complaining and being overly critical ‘bout everything anyone tries to do. That’s what parents and ol’ Ags like me are for. When I was in school, if we wanted to complain about something, we did it the way an Aggie ought to: drunkenly in a Taco Bell parking lot.
M: Well you clearly have strong feelings about the direction the school is headed. Do you have any ideas for solutions to the problems you see?
R: You’re clearly a pale-ass, new-army chimp. Aggies don’t find solutions. That’s what makes us Aggies, we just build bigger buildings to house the problems. We sit stubbornly in our mistakes until everyone else decides we’re right. If we want this university to be better, we need to go backwards: be only an agricultural and mechanical school again. Get rid of girls and all that liberal, hippy crap. Force little non-reg b*****s to harden up and join the Corps. But only ol’ Ags like me who’ve been out in the harsh, real world for a long time are willing to say it.
The Mugdown would like to thank Chip “Bucky” Reynolds for letting us interview him. We also want to congratulate Chip on his recent graduation with a degree in philosophy and a minor in theatre. We wish him the best of luck as he attends graduate school for art history next year at the University of Texas.
-Chophouse Sweater Burger