Aggies to Compete in Victimhood Olympics
To showcase a tremendous pool of talent, Texas A&M will be hosting its first “Victimhood Olympics” to commemorate the spring semester.  The vast pool of student’s claiming to have it the “worst” are finally able to prove they need the most sympathy from their peers. The Student Recreation Center... Read more
Failing Infrastructure Signals the Fall of the Aggie Empire
Texas A&M University exists as individual colleges working in unison to advance the cause of the Aggie Empire. This unified effort has stimulated the growth of the Aggies in fields such as research and athletics, and has pushed A&M’s borders all the way to Galveston and Corpus Christi. But... Read more
Corps Freshmen Glad They Aren’t Sorority Littles
As members of an organization widely considered to be the worst organization for new members, freshmen, or “fish,” in the Corps of Cadets expressed sympathy for the new “littles” in sororities. Though freshmen cadets often seem like the most poorly-treated new members of any group on campus, many are... Read more
Commandant Cancels Corps Brass Offensive Due to Mass Casualties
“Across the Quad, lads, for Commandant and university,” said fish Junger, before blowing the whistle on his lanyard. Twelve freshmen ran across the Quad, under fire from the possibility of having to salute bulls and greet upperclassmen. The first four fell where they stood, brought down by shin splints.... Read more
Student Becomes Local Cooking Personality After Making Spaghetti
The culinary scene in College Station has been forever altered after the introduction of a local cooking personality. Gorden Speer has become the de facto authority on cooking after managing to actually feed himself real food for once. Speer rose to stardom in the kitchen last week after preparing... Read more
Students Inconvenienced by Scholarship Banquet
An undue burden was placed on local student Ash Foucault after being forced to spend part of his Wednesday night at a scholarship banquet. Foucault, a senior supply chain major, was required to attend the two hour event during his regularly scheduled Netflix binge. The recipient of a departmental... Read more
Students Protest Men’s Resource Center on Campus
Today on campus, students were in uproar over the new “Elect Him” campaign sponsored by the Men’s Resource Center. Students were visibly upset and denounced the new group as sexist, saying that it put other groups on campus at a disadvantage. Other students thought it was fair that the... Read more
Corps to Reinstitute Dueling Policy
Blood-stained concrete and the sounds of metal clashing have become new and permanent features of the renovated Quad. During outfit activity last week, Company E-2 introduced dueling, using sabers found on the Quad in order to rekindle their connection with the Spirit of Old Army. Their effort to regain... Read more
Students Concerned About Ominous “Machine” On Campus
Throughout the university, Texas A&M students whispered rumors to one another about a menacing threat on campus. Rumors about a “Machine” has an overwhelming majority of students uncertain about the nature of this entity running campus. The rumor began as students heard frequent reference towards a “Machine” by students... Read more
Students Upset University Working Second Job at Hotel to Provide for Them
One topic has completely dominated the discourse of the student body this semester. Texas A&M, a hardworking university, decided to get a second job to provide for its students. Students have become irate at their university’s decision even though the school is just trying to help provide for their... Read more