Texas A&M Ranked #1 in Bullshit Metric
Texas A&M reached a major milestone this week when it was ranked as the #1 public university in the country in some bullshit, oddly specific metric. These rankings placed A&M as the #3 overall university in this meaningless and empty achievement behind two private schools with which you are... Read more
Chancellor Sharp Tapped to Bring Disastrous A&M Infrastructure to Houston
Last week, Texas Governor Greg Abbott tapped Texas A&M Chancellor John Sharp to spearhead the state-wide rebuilding effort in the wake of Hurricane Harvey. Abbott explained this at a press conference after he announced the decision. “Harvey was an unprecedented disaster for the Gulf Coast of Texas,” said Abbott.... Read more
Crafty Driver Confounds Campus Police With Hazard Lights
After a dangerous encounter last Monday afternoon, the Texas A&M University Police Department has had to regroup and rethink the way they operate. At approximately 3:00 PM, Officer Randall Matthews was doing a circuit of campus when he noticed what appeared to be a black Nissan Rogue parked horizontally... Read more
Glowstick Vigil Held to Raise Awareness For The Plight Of The Wealthy and Well-Connected
Last night, several thousand Aggies gathered at Simpson Drill Field, neon glowsticks held aloft, to support Robert McIntosh’s impending litigation and to raise awareness for what has begun to be seen as the systematic oppression of the wealthy and influential at Texas A&M. The gathering was hastily organized after... Read more
Most Miserable College Student Quarantined in Annex Study Room
Yesterday evening, during a routine drill of One-Upping Your Friends With Your Own Problems, two students got more than they were bargaining for. At 7:00 pm, Jason Dominguez and Sandra Baldwin met with junior BIMS major Alison Chen in the Annex to prepare for an upcoming biochemistry final. Dominguez... Read more
Student Accepts Responsibility For Own Shortcomings
Last Friday afternoon, local student Aaron Gilchrist, a senior mathematics major, shocked the Aggie community when he hosted a press conference admitting that many of his problems were his own fault. “After spending over four years at A&M and seeing another set of midterms that I did poorly on,... Read more
Donors Frustrated Over Inability to Purchase a Guaranteed National Championship

After spending millions of dollars on the football program, fans have become frustrated that the money spent has not correlated to guaranteed success.

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Cadet Accidentally Contributes to Group Project
On Tuesday, April 26th, three group members on an ENGR 112 project were shocked to discover that freshman Corps of Cadets member Michael Stevenson, a hopeful mechanical engineering major from San Antonio, had completed their entire project over the weekend. ENGR 112, an elaborate hazing ritual that the University... Read more