Imperialist Taco Shop Acquires Pizza Hut
Fuego Tortilla Grill, a taco shop founded in College Station, has been steadily expanding and acquiring new territory outside of the Bryan–College Station area. Staking claims in Waco and San Marcos, Fuego is establishing itself as a taco staple among Texas college students, hoping to someday join the ranks... Read more
Students Protest Men’s Resource Center on Campus
Today on campus, students were in uproar over the new “Elect Him” campaign sponsored by the Men’s Resource Center. Students were visibly upset and denounced the new group as sexist, saying that it put other groups on campus at a disadvantage. Other students thought it was fair that the... Read more
Absolutely Outrageous Group of Friends Go to Whataburger Late at Night
Flying in the face of social convention, a group of absolutely outrageous friends drove to Whataburger at 2:11 a.m. early Friday morning. The five daredevils boldly pushed aside their normal eating habits to “make memories with their besties” on a trip that members of the group described as “totally... Read more
Study Shows Student Eating Alone Not Actually Lonely
Conventional wisdom claims that anyone who eats alone at any point in his or her life is absolutely lonely and has no capacity for relationships. While this principle has proved to be true in high school cafeterias nationwide, a new study seems to suggest this traditional thinking may not... Read more
McDonald’s to Start Serving Vehicles Waiting to Cross George Bush
Starting next week, the McDonald’s located at the intersection of George Bush Drive and Wellborn Road will begin taking orders from vehicles waiting at the stoplight. Branch manager Nancy “Hotsauce” Jones was available to explain the thought process behind their decision. “We already provide overflow parking for football games,... Read more
President Young Caught Without Human Suit, Exposed as Lizard King
In a shocking turn of events, President Michael K. Young was caught in his office in his true form as the Lizard King. Surprised by his secretary who forget to knock, President Young was seen on all fours scurrying around his desk with his human skin suit laid haphazardly... Read more
God’s Traffic Jam This Tuesday at 9PM
Breakaway Ministries announced today that its weekly traffic jam will be returning to West Campus this Tuesday night. Many participants in Breakaway cite this traffic as essential to their spiritual development. “Sure, I could worship Jesus on my own, but nothing beats learning to intentionally guard my heart during... Read more
Texas A&M Ranked #1 in Bullshit Metric
Texas A&M reached a major milestone this week when it was ranked as the #1 public university in the country in some bullshit, oddly specific metric. These rankings placed A&M as the #3 overall university in this meaningless and empty achievement behind two private schools with which you are... Read more
Northgate Bars to Hand out Relationship Status Bracelets
All bars on Northgate have announced that they will begin handing out color-coded bracelets for patrons to display relationship statuses that will help minimize awkward social interactions. “This is going to be a game changer,” said frequent Northgate patron Chad Williams. “I try to only hit on girls that... Read more
Students Concerned About Ominous “Machine” On Campus
Throughout the university, Texas A&M students whispered rumors to one another about a menacing threat on campus. Rumors about a “Machine” has an overwhelming majority of students uncertain about the nature of this entity running campus. The rumor began as students heard frequent reference towards a “Machine” by students... Read more