LITERAL BOOT CHASERS TERRORIZE CAMPUS
There is a college stigma that can ne’er be told, and it is the stigma of the infamous and elusive MRS Degree. Many young women invade Aggieland every year in search of the perfect man, and most agree that a uniform is one of the most attractive qualities a... Read more
New Kyle Field to Leave 12 Seats Half Empty…or Half Full
There has been more than a little controversy surrounding the renovation of Texas A&M University’s Kyle FieldTM. Perhaps, chief among these is the announcement that 12 seats would be left empty to honor Fallen AggiesTM and the Twelfth ManTM. The scandal stems from public backlash in the belief that... Read more
Student Fulfills Childhood Dream of Becoming Professional Accountant
Noel Ellis is about to become a huge asset for a major accounting firm. After years of dedication and hard work, Ms. Ellis has passed the CPA exam and will now become a professional account, fulfilling a dream she has had since childhood. “Most people hate accounting. Some tolerate... Read more
Local Comedian Discovered Thanks to Balls Hung from Back of His Truck
As Spring Break rapidly approaches, many students have taken time off their busy schedules to cut back and hang loose. One hilarious student has taken it a step further. Chad Hayes, a ‘super senior’ on his ‘second victory lap’, spent $40 on a surprisingly detailed plastic replica of a... Read more
Student Drops Gluten-Free Diet to Drink Beer
A revolutionary health trend involving the exclusion of gluten from the diet has lately gained prominence in the realm of dieting, primarily as a method of weight loss. Ever health conscious and trendy, many students at Texas A&M have decided to restrict their diets to the consumption of only... Read more
THE PICKERING FILES: The Machine (Part 2/3)
To read part 1 of this article, click here. Although satirical in nature, all facts, names, and organizations used in this story are entirely true. This story aims to expose a well-established political machine that has been selecting the Student Body President for years. Public information used in this exposé... Read more
Sul Ross Arrested in Austin, Faces Charges for Arson
AUSTIN, TX – The former governor of Texas and president of Texas AMC faces arson charges after police say he set a small shed on fire in Austin late last evening. Lawrence Sullivan Ross is charged with first and second-degree arson, malicious burning, and reckless endangerment, according to Travis... Read more
THE PICKERING FILES: The Machine (Part 1/3)
Although satirical in nature, all facts, names, and organizations used in this story are entirely true. Public information used in this exposé was found via AggieNetwork, Facebook, the Battalion and organizational websites. — “From the outside looking in, you can’t understand it. And from the inside looking out, you... Read more
Geologists Confirm Ol’ Rock (The Good Ag) Between 6000 and 4.54 Billion Years Old
WASHINGTON D.C. — In a groundbreaking discovery made at the Geological Society of America’s 14th National Conference, geologists from Texas A&M University have confirmed that Ol’ Rock (The Good Ag) is 4.54 billion years old1. “After comparing notes with other eminent geologists around the nation and piecing together irrefutable carbon... Read more
BREAKING: Kasey Kram Wins Election
6:00 PM, FEBRUARY 21, 2014 — That’s right. You heard it here first. Out of what has been an incredibly heated election season, a winner has been announced. We beat The Batt to the punch on this one. Hell, we even beat the Election Commissioner on this one. Kasey... Read more