Man Whose House Is Cleanest It’s Ever Been Assures Guests That It’s Usually Cleaner
Robert Browning, who only minutes ago had been aggressively scrubbing at a stain in the carpet, apologized to his friends for his train wreck of a living room. As he welcomed his guests into his home, he stood with his hands on his hips and shook his head in... Read more
Vandalism of the Aggie Ring plaza was discovered earlier this week, bringing to light vulgar comments that the Association building namesake Clayton Williams Jr. made about rape in 1990. Eager for comment on the situation, The Mugdown visited the offices of University President Michael Young only to discover that... Read more
Texas A&M Defeats Most Pressing Controversy
Every few weeks in the news cycle, a sensitive, difficult topic arises about Texas A&M University. Due to this topic’s nature, many students shy away from discussing it, creating a taboo around the subject and avoiding it in conversation. This hard-hitting issue lies under the surface, but dominates social... Read more
Health Officials Investigate Rabies Outbreak Among TexAgs Users
Following reports of erratic behavior and unprovoked aggression among TexAgs users, Brazos County health officials have identified the cause. Officials have asked residents to avoid contact with users of the popular forum site in order to contain the spread of rabies. “We have been getting reports of rabid behavior... Read more
Glowstick Vigil Held to Raise Awareness For The Plight Of The Wealthy and Well-Connected
Last night, several thousand Aggies gathered at Simpson Drill Field, neon glowsticks held aloft, to support Robert McIntosh’s impending litigation and to raise awareness for what has begun to be seen as the systematic oppression of the wealthy and influential at Texas A&M. The gathering was hastily organized after... Read more
Texas A&M Announces “Two Campus Solution” to Election Crisis
After much deliberation between President Young and the Board of Regents, Texas A&M has issued its resolution to the highly contested student body president election between Robert McIntosh and Bobby Brooks. Entitled “Resolution 181.5,” the solution will evenly split the campus between the two administrations, dividing it based on... Read more
Student Newspaper Mastermind Behind Controversies
After recognizing its ability to capture attention from media giants such as The Texas Tribune, CNN, and the Houston Chronicle, The Battalion realized that it must follow the examples of those outlets to become their contemporary. Articles must be published that harness opinion as fact and convince the reader... Read more
Helicopter Mom Won’t Stop Calling, Interrupting Porn
Texas A&M Sophomore Jared Realto has gone nearly a year and a half without achieving completion. The long-suffering sophomore said every time he starts a personal session, he is invariably interrupted by a phone call from home. “It’s like she’s watching me,” said Realto. “I swear, without fail, the... Read more
Thickly Bearded Man Disappointingly Normal

COLLEGE STATION — Onlookers were disappointed when they realized Jim Templeton, a sophomore general studies major with an abnormally full beard, was completely normal.

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Student Spends 45 Minutes Browsing Netflix, Forced to Microwave Food Again
Communications major and major loser Justin Sedgewit sunk to new depths of self-depravity last week when he spent too long browsing Netflix and had to make a second walk of shame to the microwave. “I don’t know what to say,” said Sedgewit. So he didn’t. Sedgewit’s roommate, Brian Classeris,... Read more