Glowstick Vigil Held to Raise Awareness For The Plight Of The Wealthy and Well-Connected
Last night, several thousand Aggies gathered at Simpson Drill Field, neon glowsticks held aloft, to support Robert McIntosh’s impending litigation and to raise awareness for what has begun to be seen as the systematic oppression of the wealthy and influential at Texas A&M. The gathering was hastily organized after... Read more
Texas A&M Announces “Two Campus Solution” to Election Crisis
After much deliberation between President Young and the Board of Regents, Texas A&M has issued its resolution to the highly contested student body president election between Robert McIntosh and Bobby Brooks. Entitled “Resolution 181.5,” the solution will evenly split the campus between the two administrations, dividing it based on... Read more
Student Newspaper Mastermind Behind Controversies
After recognizing its ability to capture attention from media giants such as The Texas Tribune, CNN, and the Houston Chronicle, The Battalion realized that it must follow the examples of those outlets to become their contemporary. Articles must be published that harness opinion as fact and convince the reader... Read more
Helicopter Mom Won’t Stop Calling, Interrupting Porn
Texas A&M Sophomore Jared Realto has gone nearly a year and a half without achieving completion. The long-suffering sophomore said every time he starts a personal session, he is invariably interrupted by a phone call from home. “It’s like she’s watching me,” said Realto. “I swear, without fail, the... Read more
Thickly Bearded Man Disappointingly Normal

COLLEGE STATION — Onlookers were disappointed when they realized Jim Templeton, a sophomore general studies major with an abnormally full beard, was completely normal.

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Student Spends 45 Minutes Browsing Netflix, Forced to Microwave Food Again
Communications major and major loser Justin Sedgewit sunk to new depths of self-depravity last week when he spent too long browsing Netflix and had to make a second walk of shame to the microwave. “I don’t know what to say,” said Sedgewit. So he didn’t. Sedgewit’s roommate, Brian Classeris,... Read more
Bumbling Doofus of Professor Makes Mistake on Whiteboard
Tragedy struck a Texas A&M classroom yesterday afternoon when ECEN 214 professor Dr. Samuel Miller accidentally wrote “12 A” instead of “-12 A” while solving a problem in his lecture. “There was a huge uproar,” said sophomore electrical engineering student Leola Jackson. “I thought there was going to be... Read more
Modern Musical Genius Crafts Perfect Playlist for Any Occasion
Referring to him as a “musical genius” and a “modern-day Mozart,” friends of junior environmental studies major Dillon Cantlon are praising his musical gift of crafting the perfect playlist for any occasion. Cantlon’s roommate, Joseph Lopez, recalls a party that was “totally lit” thanks to Cantlon’s savant-like understanding of... Read more
Students Protest Valentine’s Privilege
TRIGGER WARNING: Valentine’s Privilege is discussed below. A new wave of progressivism has swept across campus as students are beginning to check one another’s privilege in regards to Valentine’s Day. This movement seeks to change the societal criterion that Valentine’s Day can only be celebrated by people in relationships.... Read more
Student with Truck Helps Friend Move, Justifying 5 Years of Truck Ownership
Chad Adams, an Economics student at Texas A&M and proud pickup truck owner since 2011, has been anticipating an opportunity to use his truck to haul something ever since he bought it.  After spending $40,000 on his Chevy Silverado—and $15,000 more modifying it—he expressed his excitement about an opportunity... Read more