Victims Allowed to Continue Education Despite Toll on University Image

“This decision to allow victims to finish their degrees despite their inconvenient presence is a testament to the kindness of the university. Not everyone gets second chances like these.”

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Class of 2018 “Not Feeling So Good”  as Half of Old Army Dies
In the past few days, students across the country have realized that the impact made by the Class of 2018 is already halfway gone. Many graduates still in College Station thought that the other half went home, while the newly announced former students who returned to their hometowns assumed... Read more
Christian Men’s Orgs Named Group One Carcinogen by American Cancer Association
The American Cancer Association announced this morning that Texas A&M Christian men’s organizations are now considered a group one carcinogen. Christopher Hansen, President of the American Cancer Association, made the announcement this morning at an official press conference. “After spending weeks at Texas A&M studying tobacco usage, it has... Read more
Police Apprehend Caffeine Junkie in Campus Starbucks
Last Thursday, a student was spotted stumbling into the Evans Library Starbucks. According to police reports, bystanders identified the student as sophomore Elliot Hammers, a known caffeine junkie looking for his next fix. Hammers appeared to be experiencing withdrawals, as characterized by his violent twitching and frequent outbursts. Those... Read more
Female CARPOOL Volunteer Actually Expects to Drive
Last Thursday, on her first night working CARPOOL operations, freshman Valerie Milligan actually thought she was going to drive instead of navigate. “I thought that, since I have insurance and a driver’s license, I would be exactly as likely to drive as my partner,” said Milligan. “But I just... Read more
Student Shows Superior Taste by Dunking in Microbrew
Ring dunking is a popular, albeit unofficial, tradition involving students dropping their newly-awarded Aggie Ring into a pitcher of beer and competing for who can can finish it off the fastest. Over the years, various strategies have been developed to gain a competitive edge: light beers are the typical... Read more
Bush School to Surpass Mays as Preppiest School
Last Thursday, at a fully-catered lunch panel on the future of the Bush School, Dean Mark Welsh announced that the Bush School of Government and Public Service will soon surpass Mays School of Business in preppiness.   “I fully expect that this school will overtake the business school within... Read more
Environmentalist Club Advertises Event by Needlessly Handing out Fliers
Aggies Supporting Sustainability, a student club focused on saving the environment, advertised for their spring program at Texas A&M on Wednesday. The event features a guest lecturer, Norman Green, who will give a talk entitled “Simple Ways for Organizations to Reduce Waste”. While manning their posts in the main... Read more
Student Exiled from Agricultural Tribe after Being Exposed as City Slicker
Student Jonathan Waters faces exile from the Agriculture and Life Sciences Tribe following an investigation which outed Waters as a city slicker. Despite his best efforts to adopt the tribe’s customs, it did not take long for Waters’ true identity to be revealed. Beginning a career in the school... Read more
High School Friend: “I Have Great Opportunity For You to Make Some Money”
BY THAT FRIEND FROM HIGH SCHOOL Hey, it’s Justin Dillons! How’s it going? Oh, you’re busy? I know how that goes; before I found my current job, it seemed like the more I was working, the less I was making. Go figure! I know we haven’t talked in two... Read more