Texas A&M Announces “Two Campus Solution” to Election Crisis
After much deliberation between President Young and the Board of Regents, Texas A&M has issued its resolution to the highly contested student body president election between Robert McIntosh and Bobby Brooks. Entitled “Resolution 181.5,” the solution will evenly split the campus between the two administrations, dividing it based on... Read more
Rick Perry Now Reveals Russia Tampered in TAMU Student Body Elections
Rick Perry, Head Yell leader ’72 and 11th Runner-Up in season 23 of Dancing With the Stars, recently implied that Texas A&M Student Body Elections may have been part of a larger Russian tampering conspiracy. For weeks, the public anxiously awaited as Rick Perry stayed silent on the student... Read more
Student Newspaper Mastermind Behind Controversies
After recognizing its ability to capture attention from media giants such as The Texas Tribune, CNN, and the Houston Chronicle, The Battalion realized that it must follow the examples of those outlets to become their contemporary. Articles must be published that harness opinion as fact and convince the reader... Read more
First Openly Female Student in the Corps
The comments section of The Battalion came alive after students began sharing the leading article in the student newspaper. The article in question, “First Openly Female Student in the Corps,” garnered much debate among students online where the article was shared. Some students recognized this landmark achievement for what... Read more
Helicopter Mom Won’t Stop Calling, Interrupting Porn
Texas A&M Sophomore Jared Realto has gone nearly a year and a half without achieving completion. The long-suffering sophomore said every time he starts a personal session, he is invariably interrupted by a phone call from home. “It’s like she’s watching me,” said Realto. “I swear, without fail, the... Read more
Thickly Bearded Man Disappointingly Normal

COLLEGE STATION — Onlookers were disappointed when they realized Jim Templeton, a sophomore general studies major with an abnormally full beard, was completely normal.

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Student Spends 45 Minutes Browsing Netflix, Forced to Microwave Food Again
Communications major and major loser Justin Sedgewit sunk to new depths of self-depravity last week when he spent too long browsing Netflix and had to make a second walk of shame to the microwave. “I don’t know what to say,” said Sedgewit. So he didn’t. Sedgewit’s roommate, Brian Classeris,... Read more
Bumbling Doofus of Professor Makes Mistake on Whiteboard
Tragedy struck a Texas A&M classroom yesterday afternoon when ECEN 214 professor Dr. Samuel Miller accidentally wrote “12 A” instead of “-12 A” while solving a problem in his lecture. “There was a huge uproar,” said sophomore electrical engineering student Leola Jackson. “I thought there was going to be... Read more
Roommate Finds Life’s Purpose in Hating Your Boyfriend
The roommate. An odd, inert creature who passive-aggressively shares living quarters with you. This interesting specimen of the human race is known to have several different forms, each as baffling as the next. For a majority of her time, the roommate can be found prone on the couch in... Read more
Riots Over Unassigned Assigned Seat Sparks Revolution
Across campus, students have reached the point where they have settled into their unassigned assigned seats for the semester. These students who take comfort in the familiarity of their routine seats have come under attack by nomadic students who only come to class on test day and by professors... Read more