BREAKING: MSC Couches Infected with Apathy
Dr. Jill Steinberg, director of the Infectious Disease Unit (IDU) of A.P. Beutel Health Center, confirmed reports that swabs taken from the MSC couches have tested positive for Apathy. Apathy is a contagious illness that produces symptoms such as fatigue, malaise and despondency in college-aged adults. The swabs were collected after a lab technician noticed several students were sleeping on the couches during strange hours of the day.
“Our team members at IDU have been working around the clock to identify the particular strain of Apathy present on our campus,” said Steinberg. “Unfortunately, outbreaks like this are common, especially during the colder months when the semester is well underway and the football program is beginning to falter.”
“The symptoms first appeared after grades from my first round of exams were posted,” said sophomore mechanical engineering major Barrett Buckley. “I suddenly found myself gorging on Panda Express every afternoon even though I knew I should’ve been attending my intro psych class. Once I started sleeping through my 8 A.M. materials science class, I knew things were going downhill.”
According to Steinberg, nearly 500 students have reported symptoms consistent with Apathy in the last month. “This strain does seem to be especially graduation-resistant,” said Steinberg. “Resistance develops when students do not finish their prescribed courses, either by utilizing q-drops or even withdrawing from the university.”
Students feeling apathetic are advised to pursue treatment immediately. Suggested treatments include re-familiarizing oneself with the cost of tuition, taking a brisk walk or imagining how disappointed your mother is in you.
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—Heldenfalls
Once an average student eons ago, Heldenfalls committed some unknown sin against the Aggie gods and has since been burdened with a strange punishment: She is forced to carry her backpack to the top of the infamous Heldenfels stairs only to fall back to the bottom again over and over for all eternity. Though this may seem like a horrible fate, the philosophy department argues that Heldenfalls’ endless task represents the absurd heroism of the human condition. Each atom of that backpack, each mineral flake of those concrete stairs, in itself forms a world. The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a woman’s heart. One must imagine Heldenfalls happy.