Things were going well at dinner with his parents for junior political science major Ralph Gutierrez on Sunday until he let a nugget of personal information slip: one of his roommates this year is openly gay.
His parents didn’t sleep that evening, the owner of the Days Inn on Texas Avenue confirmed. Troubled by the utter violation of social norms, the couple could be heard discussing outrageous throwing out hypotheticals late into the night.
“What if our Ralphie comes home and there’s just a room full of guys touching each other?” Gutierrez’s dad was overheard asking. “Or worse—what is he gonna do if they all start hitting on him?”
His mother, after suggesting she buy her son a rape whistle, decided to confront Ralph the next day at a pre-departure brunch. “Son, your father and I are very progressive,” she said. “We think that you taking in this boy is a sweet and courageous move. But we’re not sure you’ve fully considered the consequences of your decision here. I used to have a gay roommate and it was fine until she started coming after me. And that made me very uncomfortable.” Gutierrez reportedly tried to shift the topic of conversation several times.
At press time, Gutierrez was regretfully eating his eggs, wishing he had never said anything at all.
— Howdy Boo Boo