Texas A&M reached a major milestone this week when it was ranked as the #1 public university in the country in some bullshit, oddly specific metric. These rankings placed A&M as the #3 overall university in this meaningless and empty achievement behind two private schools with which you are likely unfamiliar. This is A&M’s highest ranking ever in this narrowly defined category that required four different modifiers to reach a sub-field specific enough for A&M to be ranked at the top.
“This obscure ranking clearly demonstrates that Texas A&M is a uniquely excellent institution,” said President Michael K. Young. “It allows the administration to claim that A&M is #1 without having to put in the effort to improve the university in any way that is actually meaningful, justifying several years of questionable decisions.”
The Mugdown uncovered that the university administration uses unpaid interns to trawl through the internet to look for literally any list that A&M is ranked highly in. Sometimes this strategy succeeds, and sometimes it backfires. In August, A&M made national headlines for inadvertently publicizing that they were the #1 university in the country in what turned out to be a list of football programs most likely to fire their head coach.
Going forward, the student body hopes that Texas A&M will continue to provide a top-notch experience in this very narrowly defined category that affects a tiny minority of current students and faculty.
—Big Brother Jed