Early on Friday morning, President Michael K. Young, Chancellor John Sharp, and Student Body President Bobby Brooks held a joint press conference to announce the death of New Army.
For years, former students and upperclassmen alike have mourned the death of Old Army, including the bygone days of hazing, a crumbling Commons, and the fall of the Big XII, at the hands of New Army. However, in a troubling turn of events, the newest generation of Aggies—the Millennials—have officially taken the reins at Texas A&M and killed New Army.
Chancellor Sharp cited the Millennials’ rampant disregard for tradition as the main factor leading to the death of New Army.
“Millennials, who are by far the worst generation in history, have no respect for the traditions of this university,” said Sharp. “They’re so into ‘inclusion’ and ‘progress’ that they completely disregard the atmosphere of rampant intolerance that defined the A&M I fell in love with.”
Millennials, already accused of killing American institutions such as baseball, breakfast, and lifelong employment, have actually made many members of the Aggie Family long for the days of New Army.
“I bet we all wish we could just go back to the days where we sat down during injuries and yelled ‘first down!’ at football games, but we can’t,” said Brooks. “These Millennials are focused on attaining great jobs and investing in cutting edge research. Don’t they realize the best thing for their education at A&M is to get too involved in student organizations? Dang, I miss the good ol’ days.”
Others have cited the influx of new businesses to College Station as another symptom of New Army’s death.
“Listen, one thing Old and New Army had in common was that College Station totally sucked; that was the whole point,” said Oedipus Banda ‘81. “We all went to The Chicken and drove on crappy roads and lived in ratty houses, but now, with all these newfangled fancy restaurants and hotels at Century Square, it’s like a wannabe Austin. I can’t stand it!”
President Young reiterated that with New Army dead, there is officially no hope for Texas A&M.
“Now that the Millennials have swept in with their new ideas, focus on the future, and drive to bring traditions back to their roots, Texas A&M as we know it is finished,” said President Young. “All we can do now is regard Texas A&M as the latest institution that Millennials have ruined, alongside Harvard, Yale, and Chili’s.”