The Office of the Commandant held an emergency meeting to address an incident that happened in the Aggie Band dormitories last night. With hazing occurring in a zone that should be secure, leaders knew they had a crisis on their hands.
Zachary Mitchell, a junior cadet in A-Company, was hanging up his newly-wired uniform, only to notice that someone had bent all of his wire hangers, rendering them useless. The entire dorm fell into a state of chaos as staff attempted to identify the perpetrator.
“We sit through a discipline brief every semester where we hear the stories, but nobody really believes it can happen to them,” said Mitchell. “This has been the worst abuse I’ve suffered throughout my entire time in the Corps of Cadets.”
Colonel Glenn Starnes, on behalf of the Office of the Commandant, gave a statement to the public: “This is not the first time we have dealt with a situation like this. We have a tried-and-true method that consistently gives us the results we’re looking for.”
Shortly after, Col. Starnes announced that Roger Graham, a sophomore cadet in H-1, would be stripped of his uniform and removed from the Corps.
“That’s impossible,” said Adam Haden, Graham’s old lady. “He’s at his sister’s wedding in California! He’s not coming back until after the weekend.” Colonel Starnes then announced that Cadet Haden would also be removed from the Corps, effective immediately, for being an accomplice to hazing.
“I am so glad we were able to get to the bottom of this,” said Rachel Charles of B-Company. “We are all so lucky to have a Commandant who knows how to handle these situations so professionally!”
The Mugdown had several questions for the Colonel concerning how a Pisshead could haze a junior halfway across the country, however our representative was approached by Colonel Hawes and told to “stay quiet or things would get ugly.”
—Hazed and Confused