Communications major and major loser Justin Sedgewit sunk to new depths of self-depravity last week when he spent too long browsing Netflix and had to make a second walk of shame to the microwave.
“I don’t know what to say,” said Sedgewit. So he didn’t. Sedgewit’s roommate, Brian Classeris, was doing homework nearby and filled in the narrative gaps.
“He had microwaved a few pieces of week-old Gumby’s pizza,” said Classeris, “which already had me pretty worried. Gumby’s has a half life of about 33 minutes—after that, it solidifies from delicious pizza-lava into crusty igneous rock. So Justin wasn’t off to a great start. Then, he sat down on the couch and started Netflix. He browsed the Netflix catalogue for so long that I was almost able to come up with a clever metaphor to describe it.”
Classeris said Sedgewit reportedly flipped through his entire personal queue more than five times. He even started “‘Stranger Things” twice, but shut it off during the opening sequence. Said Classeris, “‘Stranger Things!’ How can you turn off ‘Stranger Things’… twice!? It’s like the most engrossing show there is! He didn’t even make it to the title sequence, which is the best part! I’m pretty sure the first time I heard that synth music my virginity miraculously grew back and I immediately lost it again by making sweet love to the TV.”
After finally deciding to rewatch the third season of “Archer” for the 13th time, Sedgewit went to take a bite of his pizza and realized it had gone cold, again. “I’ve never been so saddened by anything in my life,” was the only comment Classeris had to offer.
“Watching Justin shuffle back to the microwave for the second time was like seeing a puppy with cancer find out his puppy girlfriend had been cheating on him with his abusive father.”
Classeris said seeing his roommate sink that low made him rethink his life. He has started going to class more, reconnected with his estranged sister, and almost went for a run. Meanwhile, Sedgewit is reportedly still afraid to try new things and is nearing the end of the “Archer” vice season.
—Chophouse Sweater Burger