Roommate Finds Life’s Purpose in Hating Your Boyfriend Roommate Finds Life’s Purpose in Hating Your Boyfriend
The roommate. An odd, inert creature who passive-aggressively shares living quarters with you. This interesting specimen of the human race is known to have... Roommate Finds Life’s Purpose in Hating Your Boyfriend

The roommate. An odd, inert creature who passive-aggressively shares living quarters with you. This interesting specimen of the human race is known to have several different forms, each as baffling as the next. For a majority of her time, the roommate can be found prone on the couch in your living room, watching a third re-run of “Grey’s Anatomy”. Occasionally, the roommate may even be seen mobile, leaving “helpful” post-it notes or only going to class when the whim strikes.

For most of her life cycle, the roommate appears lackadaisical, but a strange phenomenon occurs when you first bring home a mate: She suddenly finds a purpose. Something awakens inside her: hatred.

Before, the roommate was unobservant and obtuse. Now, instead of examining her own flaws and shortcomings, she expends her waking energy projecting her problems onto your mate. If your mate leaves his shoes in the living room, next to the six pairs of her own shoes, be sure to expect a strongly worded text. If he dares to place a glass in the sink among her unwashed dishes, it is only natural and justified for her to vacuum at 1:30 am on weekdays. Should your boyfriend commit the ultimate sin of sitting on her couch, the roommate’s fighting instincts will kick into action. What typically follows is a week-long build up of tension ending in an explosive, tear-filled fight fueled by her irrational claims.

Over time, the roommate’s aggression will continue to build, until finally, she ceases to be your roommate. As you move out, taking your missing clothes from her closet, her hatred and purpose fizzles out until she returns to her original state. Then the cycle begins again with a different, unfortunate girl.

Roommates – what fickle creatures they be.

—Come and Bake It

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Come and Bake It

Remember that one episode of NCIS where the sweet, concerned grandmother ended up being the killer, and for once you were ACTUALLY surprised? That’s Come and Bake It. She lives her life in the shadows, always smiling and looking sweet, but it is a sugary coating for a perilous interior. She is listening to your conversations, and she is laughing at them. She knows more about you than your closest friends do, just from looking at your shoes. And she does not like what she sees.

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