The roommate. An odd, inert creature who passive-aggressively shares living quarters with you. This interesting specimen of the human race is known to have several different forms, each as baffling as the next. For a majority of her time, the roommate can be found prone on the couch in your living room, watching a third re-run of “Grey’s Anatomy”. Occasionally, the roommate may even be seen mobile, leaving “helpful” post-it notes or only going to class when the whim strikes.
For most of her life cycle, the roommate appears lackadaisical, but a strange phenomenon occurs when you first bring home a mate: She suddenly finds a purpose. Something awakens inside her: hatred.
Before, the roommate was unobservant and obtuse. Now, instead of examining her own flaws and shortcomings, she expends her waking energy projecting her problems onto your mate. If your mate leaves his shoes in the living room, next to the six pairs of her own shoes, be sure to expect a strongly worded text. If he dares to place a glass in the sink among her unwashed dishes, it is only natural and justified for her to vacuum at 1:30 am on weekdays. Should your boyfriend commit the ultimate sin of sitting on her couch, the roommate’s fighting instincts will kick into action. What typically follows is a week-long build up of tension ending in an explosive, tear-filled fight fueled by her irrational claims.
Over time, the roommate’s aggression will continue to build, until finally, she ceases to be your roommate. As you move out, taking your missing clothes from her closet, her hatred and purpose fizzles out until she returns to her original state. Then the cycle begins again with a different, unfortunate girl.
Roommates – what fickle creatures they be.
—Come and Bake It