A version of this article was first published in the August 2016 print edition of The Mugdown.
So you want to be Student Body President, huh? Most students are asking themselves questions like “Can I wash my maroons with my whites?” or “How many days can I safely go without brushing my teeth?,” but not you— you’re asking, “How can I talk at as many Aggie Moms Clubs, Fish Camps, and SGA Impeachment trials as physically possible?” Well lucky for you, The Mugdown has formulated a point system to find if you are Student Body President material!
Now that you know the requirements of being Student Body President, here is how to position yourself so you’ll be ready for your future campaign.
Let’s begin. This is Texas A&M, so you better be Christian if you expect to get anywhere in student politics, but you can’t be too Christian. There’s a fine line you have to walk. People who are too Christian come in two varieties: Those who are too nice so no one takes them seriously and those who are too judgmental. Be comfortable throwing some God talk into your daily life so others will know that you’re a Christian, but it should be a side dish, not an entrée.
The entrée should be A&M talk. Make sure that you talk about A&M like it’s a religion, but again, not too aggressively. Nobody likes the I’M TOO REDASS FOR MY OWN GOOD guy. Don’t go overly into 2%’ers, good bull, or the bevel, because you want people to recognize you as a positive person. Always talk about A&M in a vaguely inspirational way, sprinkling in the stock phrases about the Aggie Spirit and inclusivity. You don’t have to believe that A&M is inclusive, you just have to extoll that it is. This is a case of good ol’ Maroon Double Think™. You will need to get used to this: be humble, but pompous. Everyone needs to know how great you are and how humble you are about it. Be outgoing, but not too outgoing. Be inclusive, but make sure to exclude people, so you can be the one that is shining.
Now that you’re on campus, start meeting people! Everyone is a try-hard the first few weeks so you can get away with being extra aggressive. You should aim to meet a minimum of 10 people per day. If you are in a dorm, double that and try to get out of your dorm. You need to be meeting people from all areas of campus.
Become involved! You can see which organizations are valuable and which are not. Make sure you get into a top tier FLO. You need to be in a top tier FLO, and well-liked by the staff of that FLO. Second semester parlay your top tier FLO into a good-hearted organization with some prestige and SGA members. Some examples include: Muster Host, Big Event Staff, BUILD, Tell Your Story Host. This type of organization will give you the connections you need to get into your next organization.
If you are a girl, join a top tier woman’s organization. And then join every other good organization. You’re going to need it. We may have a woman SBP right now, but don’t think this is normal. If you want to be SBP you need to work your ass off. You can’t coast by on your good hair like the men can.
If you are a guy you need to go to at least three date parties your first semester. It will be easy to get invited, just befriend some girls by being outgoing and not creepy/looking to date every girl you come in contact with. The first date party should be with a girl you were friends with in high school. This way you’ll already know your date and you won’t be too nervous. This is a safe one. If you don’t have many high school friends at A&M, I hope fish camp went really well. The second date party should be with a girl you befriended in the first two weeks of school. This is a little higher stakes. If you messed up the first party by being drunk, didn’t dance, or hitting on a girl you weren’t supposed to, then this party needs to be at a different sorority. The third date party you go to should be a formal or semiformal. This one needs to be with one of the first two sororities. . . Gotta build that base.
Pope Francis demonstrates poor mastery of the Gig ‘Em technique. No. Limp. Gigs.
Chuck Noris executes a Gig ‘Em worthy of a SBP candidate’s campaign photo.
You need a stellar profile picture. This will help when applying to organizations and when you get Facebook stalked. You need to upgrade from that prom picture into a fun college memory. The picture needs to be somewhat unplanned (i.e. no photoshoots), but you still need to look perfect. One of you with, for example, one other person at a football game is always a good bet. This picture also needs to have a TON of likes.
Gilbert Leadership Conference or bust. If you don’t make Gilbert, your chances are significantly diminished. Don’t screw it up, kid.
Make sure you find a mentor early. The mentor should be at least a junior and of the same gender (don’t want anything too scandalous for your Christian base). They should live in a cute house in the historic district and be involved in at least two influential organizations. Meet up with them for a coffee date or some other “intentional” experience, afterwards you should describe the person using Christian terms like, how you “grow well” with them or that you “have a full heart.” After you click with them, click with their roommates. Work your way out through their social circles. These shouldn’t be your main friends, but they need to think that you’re cool enough to be groomed. You need someone one class year above you that will hook you up with an SBP cabinet position your junior year.
Establish your inner circle. Make friends in your FLO or first prestige organization that will be your support system. Make sure that you are the center of this group— make sure you’re the center of every group. With your inner circle, make sure that they branch out into other organizations and become the key figures there. That way you can have powerful pools of support to draw upon. Make sure your inner circle is inviting but exclusive at the same time. Enforce this by taking a fun and adventurous trip over Christmas break. Make sure your social media reflects how close you guys are.
Remember to always be yourself, unless you are not naturally an extremely image conscious attention-seeker— then be a different version of yourself.
Have we mentioned that we’re running for Student Body President… and Class President… and Student Senate… and for literally everything else? This election day, Write-In The Mugdown! Learn more at our campaign website: