Football Player Released to Prevent Campus Conversation Football Player Released to Prevent Campus Conversation
Over Winter Break the Texas A&M Football Team quietly released one of their players, who was an unfortunate victim of sexual assault in late... Football Player Released to Prevent Campus Conversation

Over Winter Break the Texas A&M Football Team quietly released one of their players, who was an unfortunate victim of sexual assault in late November while out at Northgate.

The Athletic Department justified their actions by stating that student reactions to the event would only hamper the prevention and discussion of sexual assault on campus. “We want to avoid a situation where students create an uproar before forgetting it entirely and thinking they’ve accomplished something,” said an unnamed Athletic official. “Frankly, losing the player is worth not having to deal with the smugness of students thinking they addressed a major issue on campus.”

The University backed the department’s decision because students have the collective memory of goldfish. “Changing the seal, misbehavior in the Student Senate, and that time The Mugdown put down all those signs out are examples of such reactions,” said Aaron Reynolds, a university spokesman. “In those cases, a problem on campus came to light, but the only thing to come from the uproar was actually preventing any real discussion or change from occurring. It would be one thing if students actually brought real change, but instead after a week of self-righteousness they give themselves a pat on the back and move on.”

When interviewed about the issue, several students seemed uncomfortable about discussing the subject or said they were too busy to give the topic the attention it deserves. “Sexual Assault is a problem on campus and had one of our athletes, a member of the Aggie Family, been attacked then I would have fought to end this issue,” said freshman Biology major Gerald West. “However, the unfortunate assault of just a student on campus can’t distract from the current issue our student body is fighting, which is the small variety of dining issues on campus.”

“With Student Body President election drama coming soon, the university could even decide to take Reveille off the field during Football Games and we would be too distracted to notice,” said Ryan Spoetzl, a junior Finance major. “Sexual assault is a pretty deep topic and if it really is such a problem, the administration should be the ones to fix it. I just ride the emotion wave with everyone else.”

—Netflix and Drill

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Netflix & Drill

Not like that, you pervert. Like Corps drills. Get your mind out of the gutter. “Why is ‘The Bridge on The River Kwai’ not on Netflix,” he shouts. Netflix & Drill doesn’t just stand for the Aggie football games, he remains standing for the entirety of every single weekend the Aggies play football, sitting down only to sleep.

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