Most Miserable College Student Quarantined in Annex Study Room Most Miserable College Student Quarantined in Annex Study Room
Yesterday evening, during a routine drill of One-Upping Your Friends With Your Own Problems, two students got more than they were bargaining for. At... Most Miserable College Student Quarantined in Annex Study Room

Yesterday evening, during a routine drill of One-Upping Your Friends With Your Own Problems, two students got more than they were bargaining for. At 7:00 pm, Jason Dominguez and Sandra Baldwin met with junior BIMS major Alison Chen in the Annex to prepare for an upcoming biochemistry final.

Dominguez started off the study session by describing how he was “totally screwed” in all of his classes, and that he will almost certainly be losing all of his scholarships. Baldwin then interjected to inform Dominguez that, while his week had been unpleasant, she was “going to get a 30” on the upcoming final, had been awake for 25 hours straight, and had been recently found out she is sensitive to gluten. Certain that her tale of misery could not possibly topped, Baldwin then turned to Chen and asked, “How’s your week been going?”

Amid piles of papers and scrawled equations, Chen answered. Though we have not been able to get an actual quote of the horrors that followed, our investigators have received information that Chen is somehow bearing the weight of a continuum of problems unparalleled by any other student on this campus, or any other.

At time of press, no testimony is available from Baldwin and Dominguez. Whenever either was asked about what Chen has said to them, they avoided direct answers or refused to speak entirely.

“There are truths no one should hear,” said Dominguez in a police interview, eyes focusing on some faraway point. “Ideas no mind should hold. I thought that I was miserable…I thought I had a lot of finals, was taking too many hours, had meetings, deadlines…please do not ask me about this again.”

At 7:28 pm, security camera footage captured Dominguez and Baldwin leaving the study room, walking a short distance down the hallway, and then falling unconscious on the floor. They were promptly evacuated to a local hospital, where they woke 12 hours later, at precisely the same time. While they appear to be unchanged physically, both of the students appear to have been changed on a deeper level, spending much of their time staring ahead blankly and only rarely speaking. Doctors have requested that hospital visitors do not bring in any schoolwork, and that terms such as “online homework,” “labs,” and “exams” be strictly prohibited when speaking with the victims of Chen’s misery.

This occurrence repeated several times, when groups of students with later reservations entered Chen’s study room. After a group sent by TAMU PD to investigate was found collapsed on the ground, a task force sent by the CDC arrived earlier this afternoon and sealed Chen’s study room shut before evacuating the entire Annex, fearing that Chen would spread her hazardous burdens further.

We would like to urge all students and faculty to avoid Evans Library and the Annex until the crisis has been resolved. In addition, “finals week” has been declared an informational hazard and should be avoided in all conversations. For those in need of medical alcohol, Beutel will be dispensing shots of Taaka throughout finals week.

 

—Big Brother Jed

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Big Brother Jed

Just when you think that you’ve eluded his many eyes and ears around campus, that’s when he’ll strike. Big Brother Jed is dedicated to eradicating the scourge of premarital sex sweeping this campus after his roommate freshman year sexiled him from their dorm room one too many times. Operating out of local coffee shops, he’s built up an intelligence network so fearsome administrators have begun referring to it as the Christian KGB. Tread lightly around him or you’ll be caught in the midst of a thought crime before you know it.

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