“More Medians!” Demands College Station Transportation Department “More Medians!” Demands College Station Transportation Department
Much to the irritation of local residents and Texas A&M students alike, numerous College Station through streets are currently closed for construction. Munson, Nimitz,... “More Medians!” Demands College Station Transportation Department

Much to the irritation of local residents and Texas A&M students alike, numerous College Station through streets are currently closed for construction. Munson, Nimitz, Luther—the list of closed roads seems inexhaustible. So what is with all of the construction?

College Station’s historic neighborhoods feature streets that seem like they were planned by a three-year-old scribbling on a map with a crayon. In fact, College Station hired its first-ever city planner in 2012. Boasting the majestic Easterwood airport, an actual highway, and only four roads that actually matter, this city is a bastion of transportation excellence.

Despite these impressive infrastructures, local bigwigs intend to improve College Station roads even more by introducing additional medians to the city. One by one, residential streets are undergoing a massive taxpayer-funded project to divide every stretch of road into two distinct sides.

“I, for one, love this new initiative,” said Nicole Luna, a Recreation, Parks and Tourism Sciences major at Texas A&M. “I find it really hard to tell which side of the street is safe for me to drive on when I am using one of those few roads that don’t have medians.”

The Mugdown sent secret operatives to last month’s City Council meeting to learn more. Councilman John Nichols gave a statement regarding the project:

“More medians, dammit! I need them today! Let’s get this ball rolling! I’d better see a curb between every lane on Harvey by next month or I am building them myself!”

Local voices have asked that additional medians be created like those on Holleman Drive near HEB, or at the intersection of Harvey and Dartmouth. The roads here force drivers into their own lane—separated by medians—after making the left turn, because that is a sensible and very common way to direct traffic.

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What the hell is this?

In addition to preventing anyone from ever turning left, medians offer various other benefits. They look great and distract the driver from how ugly and poorly maintained the rest of the road is, and they offer a trendy spot to display local fauna, to have a picnic, or to stake out traffic violations.

While road construction in College Station typically leaves residents foaming at the mouth because of the various inconveniences, at least everyone can rest assured that the end result will be totally worth it.

 

—Bacon & Ags

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Bacon & Ags Editor-in-Chief

It’s Sunday morning and you’ve woken up hungover and confused. “Man, last night’s house party was one for the books,” you think as you try and recall something, anything, about the party. The smell of bacon floats in from the kitchen, and you stumble over to see who’s cooking. You stand there in bewilderment— Bacon & Ags has cleaned up all of the empty bottles, cans, and Solo cups. He has cinnamon rolls warming in the oven, bacon on the stovetop, and an assortment of fruits on the table. You stutter, “Wow… I… uh… well,” but he cuts you off. “I just love a good brunch,” he says. “And since you threw such a great party, I thought the least I could do was clean it up and cook us some brunch! Here, I made some quiche— have some!”

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