Last Friday afternoon, local student Aaron Gilchrist, a senior mathematics major, shocked the Aggie community when he hosted a press conference admitting that many of his problems were his own fault.
“After spending over four years at A&M and seeing another set of midterms that I did poorly on, I realized that I had simply run out of external factors to blame, so the only place I had left to turn to was myself,” said Gilchrist, overlooking an audience of students and reporters from his balcony at Northpoint Crossing.
During his freshman year, the excuses were easy for Gilchrist. A TA’s heavy accent, his over-involvement in student organizations, and poorly written textbooks were all things that he could easily point to when explaining his less-than-stellar grades. However, as the years went on, the excuses become both more necessary and more tenuous.
“Because I coasted through freshman year without learning anything, I found myself in upper-level courses without the foggiest idea of what I was doing. And for a time, I was able to get by. Finding copies of old tests was at least good for a C and I could always find a way to justify my mediocre performance,“ said Gilchrist.
After his junior year, Gilchrist used a drop in the local air pressure to explain his D in Linear Algebra to his parents. However, that was the last excuse he could come up with and now there was nothing left to keep the crippling existential dread at bay. He was a senior with no real skills in his chosen field of study, and now he was facing an entry into a crowded job market.
“I would be blaming our football team right now for my failed relationship, but they’ve somehow been less of an embarrassment this year,” said Gilchrist. “That was when I realized that maybe I am the reason for some of my problems, and that maybe if I worked on improving myself and growing as a person, I would be better equipped to deal with adversity.”
When he was finished speaking, Gilchrist took questions from several members of the media. Most notably, a TexAgs beat reporter asked if he had tried blaming his problems on the Burnt Orange Media Conspiracy.
—Big Brother Jed