Friend Says “No” to Impromptu Hangout with Half-Assed Excuse Friend Says “No” to Impromptu Hangout with Half-Assed Excuse
What started out as a calm, quiet evening at home quickly turned into a night sophomore Simon Riley wishes he could forget. Riley’s best... Friend Says “No” to Impromptu Hangout with Half-Assed Excuse

What started out as a calm, quiet evening at home quickly turned into a night sophomore Simon Riley wishes he could forget. Riley’s best friend, Tom Gauguin, turned down his proposal to a casual night of gaming and pizza with an ill-conceived, long-winded, meandering narrative.

“I mean, what kind of ‘friend’ would do that? If you’re going to lie, at least have the decency to come up with a coherent excuse,” said Riley.

Riley confirmed that Gauguin’s excuse contained bits and pieces of previously told stories, famous works of literature, and even sections of several religious texts.

“If he thinks my ego is so fragile that I can’t even handle a simple ‘no’ to a low-stakes hangout, then I think I’m going to have to reconsider this friendship,” said Riley.

When questioned about the rejection, Gauguin stood by his prior statements and all of its extravagance.

“You may find this hard to believe, but I really did spend three days in a whale while spotting all the phoneys and spinning straw into gold,” said Gauguin. “If Simon really is my best friend, he should trust and know that I would never lie just to avoid hanging out with him. “

As of press time, the pair are no longer friends, which Gauguin attributes to Riley “going crazy, cutting his ear off, and sending it to [him].”

 

—Plug Down for Watt

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Plug Down for Watt

Plug Down for Watt failed the Turing Test. I guess that means she’s a robot or a computer or something? I mean, it would explain a few things, like her perfect spelling and math skills, but she has a heart that no computer could ever have. Plug’s too funny to be a computer anyways! So maybe she’s a cyborg. A cyborg who’s on our side.

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