Texas A&M is seen as a bastion of respect and integrity, but underneath this facade of civility is a decades-long conflict: the perpetual Bikers vs. Walkers Civil War.
Walkers are facing increasing danger as the University shows increasing partiality with the bikers. Back in November 2015, the League of American Bicyclists called Texas A&M a “Bicycle Friendly University.” This blatant favoritism can only mean that the University is choosing to ignore the fact that innocent students are being struck down in cold blood while simply walking around.
As such, the bloodshed has reached peak levels this semester. “Just last week, this bicyclist attacked two of my friends in Academic Plaza,” said junior Zoology major Allison Kettering. “He zig-zagged through the crowd to confuse my friends, and while they were disoriented, he used his extra large backpack like a mace and struck them down. A Transportation Services employee on a segway saw the whole thing, but rolled on by like nothing happened.”
The conflict has become so intense that higher entities within the University are becoming involved. The Board of Regents assures that accepting even more students with each incoming class of freshmen, while keeping bike and foot transportation infrastructure the same, will eventually solve the problem. Officials cited Darwin’s “Survival of the Fittest” theory as their inspiration.
“We get more money from more students,” said Jerry Strawser, Vice President of Finance and Administration. “We will not have to improve transportation because in such high concentrations, the students will just take each other out, decreasing the population naturally and leaving the strongest, most worthy students. Win-win!”
Despite this tense environment, some students have found a silver lining. “I am so fortunate to go to a school that challenges my reflexes and flight-or-fight instinct every day,” said Daniel Nguyen, freshman mechanical engineering student. “No other school prepares you for the cutthroat wilderness of real life as well as A&M.”
—Come & Bake It