What is Freshman Disillusionment Syndrome (FDS)?
Freshman Disillusionment Syndrome is a contagious disease prevalent in college freshmen that causes a rapid onset of disappointment.
Many incoming freshmen believe that anything is possible after encountering unlimited ice cream in Sbisa and teachers who do not make them raise their hand to use the bathroom. After a few weeks, this misguided idealism will inevitably be crushed by the desperate reality of being a college student, a distinguishing characteristic of FDS.
How do you get it?
It spreads through contact with the freshman wildcat, the belief that everyone wants to be your friend, and by wearing lanyards. Studies show that freshmen who attended Fish Camp are dramatically more susceptible to FDS, as they quickly realize they dislike everyone in their DG family and now have to make real friends on their own.
Note: FDS can infect upperclassmen, but often manifests itself as PleaseEmployMe Disease, which is the final, crippling stage of FDS.
What are the symptoms?
FDS is precipitated by the discovery that college will not be like Greek or Pitch Perfect, usually occurring after the first round of tests. Victims may exhibit:
- Uncontrollable disappointment
- Sudden denial of the previously held notion that “college won’t be hard” and/or “you have plenty of time to figure it out”
- Common among students that never had to read or study in high school
- Taste bud loss due to nutrient deficient, Ramen-based diet and eating at Sbisa
- Insomnia and night terrors induced by FOMO and thinking other people have already found their best friends
- Realizing that nobody cares about how many AP/IB classes they took
- Weight gain
Is there treatment?
FDS has no cure, therefore treatment focuses on managing symptoms.
- Blood transfusions from senior students
- Reduce anxiety by making patients care less about non-important things, such as personal appearance, going to office hours just to “meet the professor,” and sitting in the front of class.
- Mom’s Love
- A recent FDA approved drug and a promising step to a cure. It tastes like the patient’s favorite foods and makes them believe that they are special. Patients in preliminary testing trials showed a 78% faster recovery time.
How can you prevent it?
- Wash hands after any encounter with a freshman
- Avoid all eye contact with infected patients
- Ignore overly friendly greetings that seek to engage you while you are clearly on your phone
- Get rid of useless emotions such as ambition, hope, and optimism
While most college freshmen will be infected with FDS, living with the disease is manageable and most patients go on to graduate and live happy lives.
If you are currently living with FDS, you are not alone. That person crying into their burrito bowl at Chipotle is probably infected, too.
—Come and Bake It