Two games deep into the 2016 football season, a storied dilemma has entered the minds of two-percenters across campus. Leaving games early can be a tricky affair; many students fear the judgement of their peers, whose sweaty stares follow their premature journeys down the ramps. Fortunately for them, Texas A&M University has decided to continue the tradition of casting aside its core values for money by offering a new one hour KINE course titled “Advanced Flaking.”
The curriculum will include important strategies for leaving a game early without drawing suspicion, as well as a mandatory strenuous fitness segment testing student’s abilities to half-jog down the stadiums stairs while carrying the burden of the legacy of the 12th man on their shoulders. Lessons include pretending to talk on the phone while awkwardly sliding past people on the bleachers, carrying an armful of empty water bottles down the steps, and explaining to the red-faced bonfire guy next to you that you are just going to the bathroom and you swear you will be right back.
“I am really glad they are finally offering this course,” said senior Political Science major Jack Offerman. “At this point, I am only going to the games for the tailgates. If it isn’t close at the end of the third quarter, it’s not really worth staying. I really would like to stay and support all of the blood, sweat, and tears that the student athletes have put in, but sometimes my feet hurt from standing for so long.”
Apparently, even the freshmen are interested in the course, and looking forward to enrolling next summer. “That seems kind of counterintuitive to all of the cool videos they showed us about the dedication of the 12th man, but I knew it was probably too good to be true. I doubt they actually stayed for the whole game back then anyways,” said freshman Troy McPherson, who recently returned from Fish Camp, when asked if he would consider taking the class.
The course will be offered during the summer sessions in order to prepare students for the upcoming athletic seasons, and will cost an extra $600. When asked what the extra money would be put towards, an unnamed university representative said, “We cannot say publicly, but just know that it has nothing to do with buying out anyone’s 15 million dollar contract. Write anything but that. Say it’s for desks or something.”
Although the class is slated to be an hour and fifteen minutes long, students are only expected to stay for three-quarters of instruction time.
— Foreign Enrage Student