*Cue Power by Kanye West*
Aggie Football is back, and you can bet this season will be a crazy one, with more twists and turns than our offseason QB depth chart. You’re going to need to hold on to your seat harder than every left tackle we face this season is going to need to hold Myles Garrett. Luckily, The Mugdown’s advanced sports analytics team is here to point out some important games this season.
THE SEASON OPENER:
Sept. 3rd vs. UCLA
Everyone has been waiting months for this! It’s about 150 degrees outside, but the anticipation for this moment will keep half the fans in Kyle Field from falling victim to heat stroke. (Sorry to the other half). Midway through the third quarter, you’re going to want to leave; the upperclassman will, but the freshmen, bound by the fear of judgment from the nine strangers with which they came, will stay. The Ags are going to come out firing on all cylinders, as if they’ve had an entire offseason to prepare. There will be an uptick of babies named Myles in Texas. The national media will predict Trevor Knight’s Heisman win. . . it’s such a done deal they’ve already dubbed him with his own nickname.
HEISHYPE NICKNAME OPTIONS: Ser Trill, A&M’s White Knight, Knight Rider
THE CUPCAKE GAME:
Sept. 10th vs. Prairie View A&M (at 11 AM GAG)
It’s still early enough in the season that people will be excited for this game, despite the fact that they’ll have to be up at oh-dark-thirty to get to this one. This game is little more than a formality, but the student body is still riding the high of last week and the promise of the season. The starters are out of the game by the second half. We’re going to beat the Trevor-livin’, Trevor-lovin’, Knightin’ Texas Aggie class of 2017 Hell Outta PVAMU.
MYLES GARRETT SEASON (SO FAR) SACKS: 8
THE HEART ATTACK GAME:
Sept. 24th vs Arkansas at JerryWorld
This is going to be the best game of the season, and we aren’t even referring to the football but the fact that it will be indoors. Jerry Jones’ Gajillion-dollar shrine to Panem et Circenses will be cool, but the game will be hot. Inevitably, the Ags will find themselves backed into a corner at halftime. Some clutch plays will get the Aggies back in striking distance, expect this one to go to OT at least. The Ags will get out of Arlington a cool 4-0, leaving Bret Bielema looking more confused than a Corps fish around girls. Everyone is convinced that this team is something special— the defense has matured and the offense has swagger unseen since the days of Johnny. You believe so much that you buy plane tickets to the national championship game that evening.
BEERS CONSUMED: INCALCULABLE
HYPE HYPE HYPE GAME:
Oct. 22nd. at Alabama
The Aggies are sitting pretty at 6-0, hot off a victory over a good Tennessee squad and with a ranking that has just climbed inside the top ten nationally. The student body is absolutely jacked up for this game, with a zeal normally reserved for methamphetamine users or sorority door stacks. With a whole bye week to prepare, A&M is ready to take the next step. . . The team does not prepare hard enough however. The wheels fall off the wagon. Our defense isn’t as strong against the run as we think it was and our offense appears inept at best. The fans are dumbstruck on what to do. The Aggies can’t fire Spav or turn to a wunderkind QB to fix all of our problems. The students can’t believe it, an Aggie squad has never collapsed in the back half of the season. When we go 6-0, we mean it. Nick Saban is still the devil. You cancel your plane tickets to the national championship game.
HEARTS BROKEN: 60,000
RIVALRY (I GUESS?) GAME:
Thanksgiving Day vs. LSU
It’s the last game of the regular season, a time for many of college football’s traditional rivalries to be contested. In this sentiment, Texas A&M will be playing our oldest and fiercest rival, a university we have hated since time immemorial, so loathed that they feature prominently in our war hymn and have shaped many of our traditions: LSU of course. Make sure you bundle up, because the three hour period of the LSU game happens to be College Station’s biennial low temperature. Have fun making the wrong choice on whether you should go home for Thanksgiving dinner or stay here for the game. If you stay, make sure you have food in your apartment, because every business in College Station will be closed. College Station will become a cold, apocalyptic wasteland, where you will need to scavenge for supplies while dodging drunken bands of marauders clad in purple and yellow. On Thanksgiving Aggies break bread, while tigers break everything else.
PROPERTY DAMAGE: ~$250,000