With their formal fast approaching, the members of a certain Christian men’s organization (that asked to remain unnamed) have been scrambling to find the perfect dates.
“It’s a complicated situation that rolls around every April,” says one junior member. “There are a lot of girls in the Christian Bubble, but when it comes to formal, you’re looking for the perfect Proverbs 31 woman. I mean, this is a big deal – it’s no quarter formal, it sure as heck isn’t a grab-a-date. If anything, it’s a precursor to your wedding.”
A few weeks ago, while at the Houston Rodeo, a sophomore member was struck by a revelation. “I was watching the cattle show, and as these well-groomed sheep paraded in front of me to be judged, I couldn’t help but wonder, ‘why don’t we try this – but with girls?’” At the next meeting, after prayer, the brainstorming began.
The premise was this: corral every girl in the Christian Bubble (Golden Thetas, Camp Counselor Chi O’s, the Godly Half of Tri Delt, a few select Zetas, and— if they dared show their face— a handful of GDI’s), and present them in a way that the qualities necessary for a successful formal would be highlighted. Of course, such a well-respected organization could never publicly put on a cattle drive, so there had to be a cover. The concept manifested itself as a race. But not just any race – a quirky .5k, because in The Bubble, individuality is key. After all, it only takes 500 meters for, as the French call it, coup de foudre— love at first sight. Alas, the date was set for a Friday afternoon.
The event’s purposes were thus:
- The race tested physical fitness and endurance level – keys to avoiding exhaustion when dancing the night away. The organization members lined either side of the path as the girls ran through, giving them the perfect view of the crop.
- Sources report that when registering for the race, the female participants were asked to list their organizational involvement, past summer camp employment, and a short essay on what the Bible verse in their Instagram bio means to them.
- Following the race was a live concert featuring the talents of one member who crooned love songs to the crowd. This served to test how the gals would react in a more casual environment and better discern if they fall more towards Jezebel or Ruth on the scale of Biblical womanhood.
Whether or not this function proved successful is yet to be determined. Further research will be done in the weeks to come to determine how many formal dates that were asked as a direct result of the event.
You can’t blame this organization for understanding and acting on the fundamental truth when it comes to fangirls: if you build it, they will come.
-Christian Cattle Callers