Spring Break Increases Student Diversity Spring Break Increases Student Diversity
The university once again took advantage of spring break before announcing its ethnic and epidermic diversity statistics. Photos of many sorority and fraternity members on... Spring Break Increases Student Diversity

The university once again took advantage of spring break before announcing its ethnic and epidermic diversity statistics. Photos of many sorority and fraternity members on their beach vacations provided the perfect proof for A&M’s new diversity campaign.

Relying on a somewhat archaic method of rating diversity on slight variations in skin tone, researchers in the Texas A&M Data and Research Service have determined that the student body has grown in diversity even since the semester began, becoming significantly more brown.

In a statement from the department, The Mugdown learned that the annual diversity report conspicuously follows spring break every year, starting in 1985 when the other universities began publishing statistics on racial diversity.

“At the beginning of the year we were registering far too much white, but the university can now proudly report that we have many brown faces in our student population. We love Spring Break tans, because as far as federal funding is concerned, ‘Browner is Better.’ ”

For years, A&M has been representing itself as a very diverse campus, not because of the ethnicity box checked on the application, but because of the tone of the student body’s skin.

Caught speaking into a live microphone at a recent public appearance, Chancellor Sharp whispered, “It’s a great way to defend our admissions standards. We can just keep bringing in white Christians but publish diversity statistics based on their post-break tans!”

 
-Commons Lobbyist

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Commons Lobbyist

Everyone’s favorite person to talk to on their break at work: the guy obsessed with politics. You’ve been working for five hours now and nothing is more sacred to you than this all too short half hour to relax, but guess who’s waiting in the break room for someone to talk to. Again. Sure, try and quote that headline you read two or three months ago. It doesn’t matter, the Commons Lobbyist knows he’s better informed than you. He could smell it on you as soon as you rounded that corner.

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