The yell leaders’ white uniforms were stained red with the blood of innocents today as the 5 for Yell block sacrificed a fish to appease the Spirit of Aggieland.
Before he died, Jacob Smith, the sacrificial freshman, said he was doing this of his own free will and definitely wasn’t being hazed.
“It’s not hazing,” Smith said, “It’s just my turn. All the other guys had to go through this when they were fish too, and I’m proud to uphold that legacy.”
As the ceremony began, the yell leaders emerged from every corner of academic plaza, each holding a torch and a rope made of twelfth man towels. The yell leaders bound Smith with the towel-ropes in front of the Sul Ross statue and began performing a hushed, eerie version of the locomotive yell.
At this point a drum major stepped out from behind the statue of Sul Ross. He turned his baton upside down and plunged the tip through Smith’s chest with a cry of “hullabaloo”. While Smith struggled against the towel-ropes that bound him, each yell leader candidate knelt down and slurped some blood from Smith’s sucking chest wound. The candidates then joined hands in a circle and whispered “caneck caneck” as the last vestiges of life fled Smith’s corpse.
A spokesman for the Office of the Commandant of the Corps, expressed admiration for Smith’s dedication to the core value of self-sacrifice. Smith will be personally congratulated at a seance during next month’s Silver Taps.
For questions about the ceremony please contact the Texas A&M Wiccan Club by spilling a drop of blood on the university seal. All hail our dark Lord CthulAg.
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