It’s the magical time of year once again: Campus Election Season. When students flock to the online polls to cast their vote in support of their favorite candidate to obtain what some perceive as the highest seat in the land. The individual that proves him or herself the most popular gets the divine privilege of taking up space at the Student Body President desk and having their name grace the bottom of countless emails that will ultimately get deleted without being read. So who deserves your vote for such an important and influential position?
Stump G. Poppycock. The people’s stump.
Poppycock is, without a doubt the most qualified, and the most realistic, man/inanimate tree stump for the job. He promises to not berate students with a single flier, Facebook notification, tee shirt, slogan, excessive video, or even forced campaign title. Could we say that you all should get Peppy for Poppycock? Well, sure we could, but then we’d sound ridiculous, wouldn’t we?
Highlighting petty involvements in random organizations in order to grub as many votes as possible is also the last thing on Poppycock’s agenda. His involvement throughout college is actually zero. Because he is, well, a tree stump. But luckily, this level of involvement prepares him for the office of SPB just as much any tenure in Fish Aides, SGA, or any other group of 18-22 year olds.
Perhaps his most noble promise is that he will do all that the office allows him to: absolutely nothing. Poppycock will not make a single empty promise that he would have no real authority to enforce. Poppycock is the smartest hunk of wood that I’ve ever met, and he is smart enough to know that the real powers that be at Texas A&M would never give actual influence to an elected student, and is excited to use the title solely as a resume builder.
So when you log on this Thursday and Friday to cast your vote, write in Stump G. Poppycock, the people’s stump. Nobody is more rooted in tradition, spirit, and a third popular, meaningless buzzword, than he is.
So honored to serve such a humble, driven chunk of tree.
Stump G. Poppycock for SBP