Utopia Realized Once All Students Disarmed Utopia Realized Once All Students Disarmed
Despite a decision passed in the Texas legislature, concealed carry has been banished from Texas A&M University completely, ushering in a golden age of... Utopia Realized Once All Students Disarmed

Despite a decision passed in the Texas legislature, concealed carry has been banished from Texas A&M University completely, ushering in a golden age of safety and prosperity. Once it was wisely pointed out that guns only have the potential to hurt people and are not tools with any redeeming qualities, the vote was unanimously in favor of disarmament. Texas A&M, with its infallible trust in people to always be good and never need to defend themselves, has brought about the impossible: utopia.

With a campus of 50,000 completely law abiding citizens, and the inability of any non-student to enter the 5,200 acre campus, both faculty and students can walk around campus with peace of mind, knowing that, for the first time, nobody has the potential to do them harm.

“I can’t believe that the whole country is not already doing this,” said Sydney Crimpleton, one of the many students now completely immune to any sort of gun violence. “I know that not everybody who carried a concealed weapon was a murderer, but now at least the criminals aren’t allowed to have them either. Now that it is a law, everyone has to listen, even the criminals.”

“Everything has gone off without a hitch,” said Jacob Fasbender, the leader of the Campus Carry implementation task force. “We have plans to tackle every other issue plaguing our campus in a similar way. If we make a rule about it, the problem fixes itself! Drugs, violence, cheating, heartbreak, hunger, sadness, boredom. Turns out if you make something bad against the rules, it doesn’t hurt anybody anymore.”

The only downside to this change to a progressive, new age method of peacekeeping is the layoff of several TAMU Police Officers.

“Now that the risk of danger is gone, we’re out of a job!” former Officer Ronald Wesson stated.

Officer Leroy Smith added, “I never thought I would see the day that we would actually solve crime, but it turns out it was simple all along. I expect the entire force will be gone soon. But, now that nobody is armed, I guess that if someone did bring a gun intending harm, the students would be in serious trouble. But, shoot, that is impossible. It’s against the rules, you know.”

 

-Beutel Call

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Beutel Call

After we watched him bounce out of the bed of an old F-150 on his way to the Beutel Health Center because he sliced his leg fighting a dinosaur fossil, he professed his life story to us, speaking highly of his many exploits rescuing road kill. We soon learned Beutel has a large poster with his face on every bulletin board labeled “DO NOT ADMIT. WILL POCKET TONGUE DEPRESSORS AND STICK BAND-AIDS TO WAITING ROOM CEILING.”

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