Student Counseling Services recently announced plans for an on-campus assisted living center for super seniors. Maggie Gartner, Executive Director of Student Counseling Services, has said that they hope to reach out to this particular group of students who have apparently completely lost their grip on reality.
“We find so many of these poor students getting lost on their everyday commutes,” Gartner said. “They will, for example, leave to grab some lunch, only to be found wandering around Northside hours later muttering about a restaurant called ‘Bernie’s’. It has become clear to us that these students can no longer function on their own.” Gartner has spent the last year studying super seniors in order to best cater to their needs and pinpoint where their general sense of hopelessness and disillusionment originates.
“The first thing we needed to address was their diet. It’s disgusting how much pizza these kids eat. Campus food is only designed to be eaten for four years maximum— any longer and it can be lethal,” Gartner said. “The Super Senior Living Assistance Center, or SSLAC, will include a Luby’s restaurant so these students can choose meals that are easier on their old bodies.” Super seniors were also observed convulsing in fits of rage at the sound of the sophomore wildcat, so student workers at the SSLAC must be at least juniors. This decision was met very favorably by super senior focus groups.
“I hate underclassmen,” said Kyle Gravesend, a 5th-year mechanical engineering student. “Look at them, all happy and carefree. They haven’t been broken yet. Soon. Soon they will experience the overwhelming despair of being left behind in life as your peers leave you in this pit of agony that they call college. Can you believe Steve got a job with Boeing? Sure, he’s got a better GPA than me, but I’m way more of a people person…”
When asked what they thought of the SSLAC, super seniors expressed overwhelming apathy for the program, much like they do with everything in their lives.
“I mean, it sounds nice,” said Maria Niemeyer, a 5th-year biomedical sciences major. “But I don’t think anything can fill this void inside me.”