Here at Texas A&M, students, staff and faculty are guided by a set of university core values, the first of which is excellence. Many Aggies demonstrate excellence through their academics, campus and community involvement, and workplace. Recently, however, one student has taken A&M’s call to excellence above and beyond all expectations.
According to several students and faculty members, a student- name unknown- was spotted yesterday afternoon riding his bike to class without making use of the handlebars, instead relying on his unbelievable sense of balance and control. Indeed, we at the Mugdown were incredulous at first, but multiple sources have confirmed what could be the most impressive feat in acrobatics since whatever Barnum and Bailey had to do to get an eternal animal cracker sponsorship.
“It was beyond incredible,” said Chad Powers, a senior political science major. “Honestly one of the most amazing things I’ve seen in my lifetime. Talk about ‘mind blown’, right?” Further sources echoed his response of disbelief, describing the event as “pretty neat”, “cray”, and “like Cirque de Soliel, but mostly without the French singing.”
Others were not so quick to give in to the rumors. One of these so-called “skeptics” is freshman general engineering major Lisa Kim, who said, “Look, I love physics and calculus as much as the next engineer, and I even crunched the numbers. There is simply no way that riding a bike without handlebars is possible. It defies the natural laws of the universe. It must be a hoax.”
Such an event has even attracted the attention of some faculty, whose reactions vary almost as much as the student body’s. Anthropology professor Dr. Tom Green took particular interest in this feat, calling it “an absolute marvel of human ability.” When asked for further comment, Dr. Green cited his area of study, saying “I have spent much of my life studying human history and culture, and few accomplishments stand above this. It is one thing to learn from history, it is another thing entirely to watch it unfold before your very eyes.”
Yet even more faculty came forward to comment, including department of math professor Dr. Li Huang. Dr. Huang, a non-believer, said, “I ride my bike daily, and I’ve been a bike rider for 37 years. I ride my bike to class, to office hours, and sometimes even to the store. I can’t fathom how riding a bike without using the handlebars is possible. Either I don’t know as much as I think I do, or there is some mystical force at work here. I guess it’s time to reevaluate my stance on the supernatural.”
TAMU Transportation Services and University Police have expressed their intent to ticket the biker as soon as his identity is released. “Honestly, I don’t really care about all of this. It just doesn’t seem like that big of a deal to me,” said Marcus Delcour, a Texas A&M Transportation official. “Oh yeah, we’re going to totally fine the sh** out of him when we find out who it is. That much I can guarantee.”
At press time, the Texas A&M Board of Regents are considering renaming the newly developed student recreation center after the mythical cyclist once his identity is discovered. In the meantime, a scholarship fund has been established in his honor and will be rewarded once a year to an incoming freshman who excels in cycling.
Eyewitnesses confirmed that, not only was the mysterious biker riding without utilizing the handlebars, he was also actually riding in the bike lane. Incredible.
-Bacon and Ags